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Masturbating only a sin if you're hot, says church

THE Church of England has announced that self-pleasure is only a real sin if you are attractive to others.

Following consultation with bishops, the Anglican church has decreed onanism is fine for those who nobody wants to get off, but an offence in God’s sight for hotties.

Stephen Cottrell, Archbishop of York, said: “The diocese has met and we have decreed: it’s fine if you’re below a six out of ten. Or four and lower for women.

“Intense biblical study and private prayer revealed that God pities those who are both ugly and horny, and, because of the loneliness that will follow them through life, begrudges them not monkey spanking.

“But if, hypothetically, asking the truth of the Lord within your heart, there are others who could benefit from your orgasm God condemns your self-flagellation and will send you straight to the fiery pits of hell. Share your love around, as Christ did.

“For as Matthew 5:15 states, ‘Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.’ He couldn’t have been clearer.”

Devout Christian Jordan Gardner said: “For years I feared the Almighty’s judgement, for I am at it six times a day. But I am absolved for being a steg. I knew God was cool.”

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Six emails sent by shops immediately after you've left them

YOU’VE paid for an item, scanned your rewards card, and seconds later the emails beseeching you for further custom begin. All these hit before you can unsubscribe: 

‘Please rate our service’

In truth it was so mundane and functional you barely remember it, but now you’re being pestered to pick an emoji that best represents the transaction. You’re in the shop doorway wondering which smiley face ‘being handed the thing and paying’ would be. Eventually you hit one at random and, six months down the line, a cashier is denied a pay rise.

‘Unlock 20 per cent discount on your next visit’

You know when this would have been handy? Around 180 seconds ago, when you paid. Now you feel ripped off and the urge to walk straight back in there and get your f**king discount. You’re not going to, but you will save this email until next time you need it which will be five days after it expires.

‘You’ve got a free [insert consumable product]’

You’ve collected ten stamps on the loyalty app and now you’re eligible for a free item. Not the one you just bought, obviously, the next one. And now you have to go back to claim your free item, which rewards you with one stamp and begins the whole vicious cycle all over again. Don’t forget your birthday reward next week.

‘Here’s a summary of your activity’

Ideal for those with chronic short-term memory issues, an email thanking you for your visit, hoping you enjoy the activated charcoal insoles, and suggesting that if you did you could take out a subscription for them. All of which seems a bit premature because you’ve yet to discover whether they can triumph over your horrendous foot odour.

‘You could have split that purchase into three easy payments’

Could have but didn’t, making you feel somewhat of a dick for handing over money which you palpably had. And it would have been interest-free, too. Instead you’re being taunted for not paying for goods in the same way as a broke-ass teenager with a Saturday job. ‘I’ll pay however I f**king want,’ you say angrily to your phone in a Greggs queue.

‘Complete our quick satisfaction survey’

As a treasured customer, please spare two minutes to express your thoughts on your recent visit? Which means seven screens asking you to rate every aspect of your transaction. Then an email asking for an explanation of why you chose the product over similar products from other brands. Then you don’t care whether you’ll be in with a chance of winning £1,000 and delete.

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