Mid-life hangovers now come with sickening mid-life crisis

PEOPLE turning 40 are being warned that hangovers now include a distressing mid-life crisis that could last for years.

Symptoms include headache, nausea and a dreadful suspicion that you have irredeemably fucked up your life.

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan said: “After getting shitfaced I woke up not only with a splitting head but also a deep sense of depression that I’d never been up in a hot air balloon.

“Then when I was looking for the paracetamol I realised I’m single and live in a rented flat whereas my friend Lucy runs her own business, has two lovely children and plays tennis. Even her fucking dog is cute.

“I’ve had hangovers before but I’ve never wanted to throw up because I’ve never been to Vietnam.

“I’m never going to drink again. Except maybe a couple of glasses of wine tonight so I don’t feel so ill while I write a document called ‘Life Plan: A Fresh Start’.”

Dr Tom Booker said: “My advice is to drink lots of water and concentrate on friends who are less successful than you, if you can think of any.”

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People in restaurant so glad they invited a f**king anal retentive

A MEAL was turned into a massive pain in the arse by a man obsessed with splitting the bill fairly.

After eating at Bombay Heaven in Knutsford, Norman Steele decided to take a firm stance on the fact that he did not have a starter, as well as recalculating the bill seven times.

Fellow diner Emma Bradford said: “We were just going to split the bill equally but Norman decided that people ordering extra nan breads was a major moral issue.

“We’d only had a few bottles of wine between 10 of us, but apparently that was a grave injustice against Norman, who’d made one bottle of beer last all evening like the tight git he is.

“The best bit though was when he spent 45 minutes recalculating the bill on his phone. What could be a more perfect end to the evening?”

Steele said: “I just wanted the bill to be fair and equitable, which is why I asked everyone to put up their hands if they’d had two or more poppadoms and wrote it down in my notebook.

“I just wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I hadn’t saved that £2.35.”