Middle aged man realises every item of clothing he's wearing was a gift

A MAN getting ready for a night out was shocked to notice that every part of his outfit was bought for him by someone else.

Glancing in a mirror, Tom Logan realised he was entirely dressed in gifts accrued from Christmases and birthdays of the past decade and he no longer buys his own clothes.

Father-of-two Logan, 46, said: “First I noticed I was wearing the polo shirt Auntie Val got me for my 40th. That’s shrunk a bit now. 

“Then I realised my jeans were ones Mum got me from M&S. Like all my jeans that actually fit. I pulled back the waistband and there was my one good pair of boxers, the ones from Christmas 2015.

“Even my feet were clad in a pair of novelty ‘Day of the week’ socks bought by my young daughters. ‘Tuesday’, if you’re interested.

“I’m sure I used to buy my own clothes. In fact I was really keen on it in my teens and 20s, although thinking back fills me with sickening embarrassment at what I must have looked like. 

“Have I somehow turned middle aged and ‘square’? Surely not. Still, all the money I’m saving means I can get more things for the garden.”

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The Daily Mail guide to how the coronavirus will affect house prices

WHAT Britons really want to know is: will the coronavirus affect the value of my house? Here Daily Mail property editor Nikki Hollis answers your questions.

Can my house catch the virus?

Thankfully coronavirus only appears to affect people. If your house looks ill – maybe a slate has fallen off or a tap won’t stop dripping – call 999. If the paramedics seem annoyed, they are probably just jealous renters.

How much could my house be devalued by?

In a worst case scenario, thousands of people will die and your house could be worth five per cent less. In a best case scenario, millions of people will die and the property market will remain buoyant. Let’s just pray it’s the latter.

Is the government doing anything?

Yes. Realising many of its core voters are property-obsessed suburban gits, the government has instructed the NHS to restrict medical care to homeowners and estate agents.

What can I do if my property is falling in value?

If enough people die, the law of supply and demand will no longer keep property prices ridiculously inflated. Consider burning down desirable local properties with petrol through the letterbox, or steal a JCB from a building site and go on a rampage in the new mock-Tudor housing estate.

How should I keep up-to-date on the coronavirus/property price situation? 

Every time you go to the shops, study the prices in estate agents’ windows obsessively, although you probably do this anyway because it is your pornography.

What if my house stops going up in value? 

You’ll still have a perfectly nice house to live in, but my advice is: kill yourself. What’s the point in living if you can’t drone on smugly about ‘buying at the right time’?