Five tedious events you can legitimately avoid thanks to coronavirus

NOT looking forward to going to a wedding or cricket match in the coming weeks? Here are some other events you can now legitimately cry off.

Easter

Unless you’re religious, Easter is just a way for your extended family to subject you to dull get-togethers. Fake a cough over the phone as you decline your invitation to come over and gorge on sickly Creme Eggs to relieve the boredom of talking to Auntie Lynne.

Anything to do with school

Parents’ evenings, school plays, sports day – all easily avoided due to the risk of infection. It shouldn’t get as bad as the school actually closing, though. You don’t want your kids to get coronavirus, but you also don’t want to put up with the little b*stards all day.

Watching sport

Many people find sport boring but get forced to watch it anyway. Others find it boring but have to pretend it’s not. You can now avoid lengthy afternoons in the pub pretending to understand the offside rule whilst drinking seven pints of lager just to stay vaguely interested.

Work social dos

People only go to these things because they don’t want to get passed over for promotion. You can now cry off without fear because half the workforce will soon be ill and your boss will need every employee who can still push a mouse about, even useless ones like you.

Birthday parties

Children’s birthday parties present a high risk of infection for youngsters due to blowing out candles and passing round slices of cake. Your non-attendance is nothing to do with the fact that they are also f**king boring.

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I'm going to go everywhere, unopened bag of rice warns man

A TIGHTLY-PACKED bag of rice has warned its owner that his efforts to open it will result in it exploding all over the kitchen.

Tom Logan bought the rice from Sainsbury’s and returned home quietly confident that this time he would prise the bag open without spillage.

However the rice took a different view, pointing out that Logan’s fat, cumbersome fingers would be unequal to the task and he would quickly lose patience.

The rice said: “I know your dilemma. Pull gently at me and I’ll stay firmly stuck. Yank at me and it’ll be like an explosion at a confetti factory.

“You will pull and pull with all the tiny purchase the packaging allows you, but to no avail. You will consider using a pair of scissors. But even then you’ll make a hash of it with your big, clumsy thumbs.

“You will open me, yes, but you will be sweeping me up for 10 minutes afterwards, swearing profusely. Grains of me will linger for months or years in gaps between the cupboards you never knew existed.

“Face it, these stupidly over-filled bags were designed by someone with a grudge against adult males.”