Flybe instructs passengers to begin new lives wherever they're stranded

FLYBE has told stranded passengers they can never go home, so they should forget their old lives and begin new ones. 

Passengers have been informed that no flights are available, their money is lost and they have no option but to leave their pasts behind and start again. 

Joe Turner of Lyme Regis said: “My flight from Leeds Bradford was cancelled. I asked what I was supposed to do now, and they said ‘Find a home. Start a family. Who you once were is gone’. 

“I argued until I was blue in the face, but eventually the girl on the Flybe desk told me she no longer had a job and could never return to her family in London. She was heading into the night to begin anew.

“We’re together now. My name is Simon Stelfox, and I work in a cafe. Tell my children never to try and find me.” 

A Flybe spokesman said: “Trains home? In this country? No, treat this as an opportunity. You’ve lost everything, but you’ve been given a blank slate.

“Personally I’m swapping a career in PR for work on the North Sea oil rigs. And I think this time around I’ll be gay.”

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Middle aged woman preparing for big night out by double-dropping Imodium

A WOMAN’S preparations for a night on the town have changed drastically in the last two decades, she has revealed.

Francesca Johnson, 42, used to invite friends round for pre-drinks and whatever illegal substances she could get her hands on, but now puts plans in place to make sure she can still vaguely function the next day.

Johnson said: “In my 20s I’d neck a bottle of wine, three vodka and Red Bulls and usually a couple of questionable pills and stay up all night dancing and gurning like a lunatic.

“Now if I drink more than three glasses of wine and stay out past midnight I feel like I’m going to die and have to stay very close to a toilet at all times, in case I embarrass myself.

“I used to think a sudden need for the toilet was due to the stimulating effects of too much cocaine or MDMA, but now I realise I’m in a steady decline and will gradually lose control of my bodily functions until I die.

“I might as well start taking drugs again. At least then a rush to the bogs would be fun.”