Middle class couple want to show you their artisan soap

A MIDDLE CLASS couple are desperate to have friends round to show off the expensive and tasteful artisan soap they have in their bathroom.

Francesca and Tom Johnson choose to demonstrate their impressive wealth through the medium of overpriced and obscure bars of soap, which are often made by impoverished monks.

Francesca Johnson said: “We love asking people over for dinner and demonstrating how much money we’ve pissed up the wall on things you can actually buy very cheaply.

“We even go so far as to cook things that we know will give them the shits, just so we can be sure that they’ll definitely go into the bathroom and see what’s on offer.

“Our favourite at the moment is a sea salt and basil beeswax scrub from an apothecary in Scotland. It’s the scratchy kind with bits of twig and gravel stuck inside it. You have to be careful or you’ll slice your hands open on a genuine Highland thistle.

“You get what you pay for, I suppose. That one’s only £25 a pop.”

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Five wankers you'll only meet on the bus

NEED to get somewhere? Literally all other forms of transport unavailable? You might be forced to catch the bus. Here are five awful bastards you’ll encounter on your journey.

The schoolchild

High on their discounted fare and cheap sweets from the newsagent, children on buses are like chimps in a zoo, if the zoo was on fire. Time it wrongly and the bus will be flooded with swarms of them hoping to impress each other by abusing the elderly and drawing genitalia on the windows.

The ‘DJ’

Every time you get on the bus these days you have to listen a stranger’s uniquely awful drum and bass mix. Sitting near the front with eyes closed and his hand down his trousers, you’ll wish this colossal bellend had brought headphones, mainly so you can strangle him with them.

The couple

You can just imagine the conversation: ‘Why don’t we get the bus? We can gaze dewily out at the city as we wrap our tongues around each other’s tonsils.’ Utterly oblivious to how their lustful pawing might irritate other passengers, these wankers come as a pair.

The cougher

Bad enough at the best of times, this idiot has really come into their own during Covid. With their mask around their chin, they hack violently onto the person in front, wipe their nose with their hand and then touch every surface possible on their way out.

The doddery old woman

Try not to be fooled by her frailty — old women are some of the most prodigious bus wankers around. Aware that she can feign deafness or dementia to get away with anything, she’ll take up four seats with her shopping trolley and then accuse you of trying to nick her purse when you stand anywhere near her.