Five parent phrases that are swear words in disguise

IT’S not acceptable for parents to swear at their children, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be constantly doing it in your mind. Here are five phrases that mean something different from what kids hear.

In a minute (Piss off)

Picture this. You’ve just sat down with a hot cup of tea. Cue child: ‘Can I have another snack? Can you get me a drink? Can you get me that toy?’ You may say ‘In a minute’ but inside you are yelling, ‘Piss off and piss off and piss off again.’

We’ll see (Bollocks to that)

Did you know parents are secretly scared of their kids? This is why instead of saying no to something they know they will never let them do, they’ll take the wimp’s way out and say ‘We’ll see’, when they really mean ‘Bollocks to that, pal’.

What now? (For f**k’s sake)

Children are always wanting stuff. No sooner have you given them the biscuit they nagged you for, there’s something else on their list of demands. This will inevitably carry on until they force you to internally shriek ‘For f**k’s sake!’.

One more spoonful (Just bloody eat it)

There is nothing more annoying than when your child refuses to eat the meal you lovingly prepared for them because they said they liked it yesterday. You’ve begged and you’ve pleaded so at this point even one spoonful is a victory.

Goodnight darling (Go to bastard sleep)

You’ve spent the day being an unpaid servant. You’ve sung 12 lullabies and read three stories and now you just want to get the hell away from the little shits. So you throw them a ‘Goodnight darling’ through gritted teeth, scuttle away and hope for the best.

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Stupid things it's fine to get worked up about instead of shit that matters

DON’T sweat the small stuff, say wankers everywhere, but life does not seem to bear that out. Here are five stupid things it’s fine to expend mental energy on instead of actual problems.

Cyclists riding two abreast

For most people, this is at worst slightly inconvenient. For a frothingly furious few, it’s a terrible crime viewed as an attack on the sacred rights of car drivers. Extra points if you have a tantrum about the fact that ‘cyclists don’t pay road tax’, which was abolished in 1937.

Other people’s parenting styles

Don’t think it’s appropriate for your mate’s toddler to eat Frosties for dinner? Instead of presuming that the frazzled parents are doing their best, why not make passive-aggressive judgemental comments next time you go round? After all, the last thing you need during this difficult time is friends.

Christmas stuff in shops before December

‘It comes earlier every year’ people say, as if they’re fighting through stacks of mince pies to get to the swimming costumes in M&S in June. These moaning minnies are the same people already furious about not being able to have a ‘real Christmas’ because of lockdown. Basically, they just love to whine.

20mph zones

How dare the nanny state control our every move? It’s surely our human right to be able to kill each other by driving like bellends down residential streets. A couple of deaths are definitely worth it to shave two seconds off your drive to Tesco.

Celebrities not looking glamorous

The sight of a celebrity looking a bit knackered when photographed in the street sends people into paroxysms of emotion. Magazines write bleeding-heart articles about the pressures of fame whilst twats on social media tear into them like pack of deranged dogs. Have a think about how good you look when popping out for a pint of milk, and shut up.