Friday, 4th December 2020

Five parent phrases that are swear words in disguise

IT’S not acceptable for parents to swear at their children, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be constantly doing it in your mind. Here are five phrases that mean something different from what kids hear.

In a minute (Piss off)

Picture this. You’ve just sat down with a hot cup of tea. Cue child: ‘Can I have another snack? Can you get me a drink? Can you get me that toy?’ You may say ‘In a minute’ but inside you are yelling, ‘Piss off and piss off and piss off again.’

We’ll see (Bollocks to that)

Did you know parents are secretly scared of their kids? This is why instead of saying no to something they know they will never let them do, they’ll take the wimp’s way out and say ‘We’ll see’, when they really mean ‘Bollocks to that, pal’.

What now? (For f**k’s sake)

Children are always wanting stuff. No sooner have you given them the biscuit they nagged you for, there’s something else on their list of demands. This will inevitably carry on until they force you to internally shriek ‘For f**k’s sake!’.

One more spoonful (Just bloody eat it)

There is nothing more annoying than when your child refuses to eat the meal you lovingly prepared for them because they said they liked it yesterday. You’ve begged and you’ve pleaded so at this point even one spoonful is a victory.

Goodnight darling (Go to bastard sleep)

You’ve spent the day being an unpaid servant. You’ve sung 12 lullabies and read three stories and now you just want to get the hell away from the little shits. So you throw them a ‘Goodnight darling’ through gritted teeth, scuttle away and hope for the best.