Overweight pisshead placing a lot of faith in multivitamin tablet

A MAN has begun taking a daily multivitamin tablet in the optimistic hope that it will compensate for a lifetime of strong lager and lamb rogan josh.

Roy Hobbs started the habit after embarking on a health kick which will also see him walking to the fridge for his next beer, rather than making his children do it.

Hobbs said: “I didn’t really understand about nutrients until recently. I thought a few pints of Guinness for iron, a Bloody Mary on a Sunday morning for vitamins and the olives off a chicken supreme pizza was all I needed.

“But now I’ve got these magic pills I can just stuff myself with cheese burgers and Stella, then pop a couple at the end of the day with no harm done. I’ll probably live to 100.”

Hobbs’ GP Doctor Martin Bishop said: “He probably will live to 100, but only because his organs are now so completely pickled in cheap vodka they’re pretty much indestructible.”


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Healthy food choices that will make you feel nothing but f**king hungry

CONVINCED that healthier eating habits will turn your life around? Here are five poncey foodstuffs to include in your diet that will leave you feeling completely famished.


Very filling and sustaining, if you’re a mildly peckish sparrow. As a fully grown adult, swapping out your customary post-work bag of paprika kettle chips for handfuls of sunflower seeds will leave you ravenous and asking what is the point of life if you can’t gorge on crisps.


Sounds like a rare and disgusting foot condition, or the name of the poshest child in the playground. The reality is equally off-putting: it’s bright green algae in powder form. Miraculously good for you, but guaranteed to shit all over any breakfast food you add it to.


Swap big, satisfying helpings of pasta for a soggy bowl of quinoa and you’ll soon be feeling a little bit sad. Packed with nutrients and proven to lower cholesterol, these disappointing little flecks of goodness will make you live longer while questioning whether you really want to.

Alfalfa sprouts 

If you want to completely ruin a salad or a sandwich, these nutrient-dense stalks of pure evil are a great place to start. Not even the most pungent vinaigrette can mask their farty taste, and you’re likely to end up dumping your whole lunch in the bin.

Cacao nibs

They say dark chocolate is good for you. But why make an easy choice when you can remove every shred of joy from the chocolate experience by trying to get these tiny, rock-hard shards down you. It’s like eating out of a grit bin, except less tasty.