Middle class family gagging to dig out wooden sleigh

A BOURGEOIS family is desperate for it to start snowing so they can show off their vintage wooden sleigh.

The Johnson family from Bath bought the sleigh with iron runners from the Guardian’s lifestyle section last December, and since then have been champing at the bit to get it out.

Mum Francesca Johnson said: “For the best part of a year it’s been gathering dust in the den, along with other purchases we haven’t had a chance to use like the eco-friendly yoga mat and the handcrafted steel drums.

“My kids have been asking me what’s the point in us owning something needlessly fancy with limited use if we can’t rub it in other people’s faces, and I honestly don’t have an answer.

“I keep telling them it’ll be worth it when the time comes. All the state school children will be sliding about on plastic toboggans from WHSmith, then we’ll glide in and wipe the smiles from their faces.

“We’ll call it ‘this old thing’ as if it’s no big deal.

“If the worst comes to the worst we’ll have to take it on our next skiing holiday then splash photos all over Facebook.”

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Seven reasons why the 2010s can f*ck right off

THERE are many, many reason why the last decade can go piss up a rope, but here’s seven for starters…

Staring at your smartphone
The 2010s were absolutely the decade for staring blankly at a screen full of fun things like job-losing tweets, dead celebrities and Brexit. Young or old, woman or man, everybody was crazy for sitting on opposite ends of the sofa not speaking, unable to disconnect.

Everybody dying in 2016
The year of Trump and Brexit was also a magical parade of celebrity deaths. No matter whether you loved Prince, Bowie, Muhammed Ali or Victoria Wood, your phone buzzed with delightful news. Even on Christmas f**king Day. We’ll never forget you, 2016.

Losing your job for a tweet
Ten years ago, social media was boring old baby photos. Now it’s a thrilling ride of forgetting you posted a sh*t joke in 2011 and being hounded by incensed online mobs looking for your employer’s contact details.

Brexit was also a three-and-a-half year blast on an airhorn, drowning everything else out and making it impossible to concentrate without screaming. Also, ‘Brexit’ is one of those pathetic hybrid words that the last decade has vomited into the public consciousness.

Nation-states buying football clubs
Russian oligarchs are so over. Now you need to have a football club owned by an oil-rich nation competing against yours, which is owned by a bloke whose Midlands light engineering firm did reasonably well.

Banging on about some bullsh*t on TV
In 1979, 43 per cent of the population watched To The Manor Born. Nowadays, only tiny percentages of us watch Breaking Bad or The Crown so we all connect culturally by talking about our favourite shows constantly to people who aren’t interested.

Whether they’re attending Glastonbury, going to Bali or driving around in yellow Fiat 500s, millennials never forget to remind the world they can’t buy houses and it’s the world’s fault. But you’re not allowed to mock them because they say it’s wrong.