Child begins urgent colouring task just before leaving house

A CHILD has begun the urgent creation and colouring-in of a picture just moments before he needs to leave the house. 

Tom Logan, aged five, saw his parents going back and forth loading the car and checking traffic for their drive to their relatives in Preston, and decided it was the perfect moment to begin work on a masterpiece he estimates will take all day.

He said: “It’s a birthday card for Tabitha. Tabitha is my best friend.”

Mum Emma Bradford said, “Tom has never once mentioned Tabitha before. Now we’re going to be late and Uncle Brian will do that thing where he taps his watch and I’ll hate him before we’re even out of the car.

“I’ve also noticed Tom never demonstrates this wild creative spirit when he’s got ample free time, which he spends moaning about having nothing to do. It’s always when the bath’s run or when we need to leave the house. Colouring in is basically filibustering for five year olds.

“I’ve told him he has one minute – ONE MINUTE! – to finish it before we get in the car, while I wrestle with the baby’s car seat.”

Emma is expected to return from the car to find Tom has written something illegible on the back of the card, sellotaped a pebble and a sweet wrapper inside ‘as a present’, and stuck an entire book of first class stamps to the envelope.

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Grown man still incapable of putting right amount of milk in bowl of cereal

A MAN in his late 30s still either overestimates or underestimates how much milk his cereal will need every single morning, he has confirmed. 

Joe Turner once again flooded his Cheerios with milk this morning and spent an unpleasant second half of the meal cursing himself while picking floaters out of the bowl.

He said: “What’s that thing about 10,000 hours of practice? Well, I must have done well more than 10,000 bowls of cereal, but still I get it wrong every time.

“Some mornings it’s so dry it’s like that food cheap people give their dogs. Other days it’s a fishing expedition. Why can’t I ever strike that moist-crunchy balance?

“And I’ll come home tonight and there won’t be enough milk for a cup of tea, and it’ll be my fault because there was too much in my cereal, and when will I break out of this vicious circle?

“Once I tried pouring the milk back in the bottle but my coffee tasted of Shreddies. That’s not something you want your coffee to taste of.”

He added: “I have considered having a milk jug next to me while I eat and adding more as necessary. But what if someone saw me.”