Middle-class family still in wetsuits two weeks after holiday

A MIDDLE-CLASS family who returned from Cornwall a fortnight ago are still all wearing wetsuits, friends have confirmed. 

The Cooks have been seen gardening, driving, shopping, and visiting National Trust properties while uniformly clad in wetsuits and apparently have no plan to take them off.

Neighbour Helen Archer said: “I saw them over the fence and said hello and over wandered Bronwyn, wearing a wetsuit while raking leaves as if that was perfectly normal.

“Behind her the kids were playing with a frisbee, wearing wetsuits, and as we chatted Julian came home in his Audi A6, carrying his briefcase, wearing a wetsuit. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to look stupid. It wasn’t even raining.”

Julian Cook said: “Why are we still in wetsuits? Well first, because other people hire them but we’ve bought ours. I think it’s important everyone know that.

“Second, they let everyone know that we’ve actually had a bloody good beach holiday while being responsible enough to stay in Britain, and that we spent it doing expensive activities like surfing, coasteering and stand-up paddleboarding.

“Third, you can piss in it.”

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Six movie romances that crashed and f**king burned shortly after the credits

IN MOVIES, even the most mismatched couples end up deeply in love forever. Here’s how those big-screen romances would have failed in reality: 

Han and Leia in Star Wars

One overlooked aspect of Star Wars is that Han is constantly being a dick to Leia. She’s rich, beautiful and feisty but gets endlessly put down by a chippy smuggler. In reality, she’d have lost patience, said ‘F**k you, Solo’ and found someone better. Not Luke though, or Kylo Ren would have serious birth defects.

Vivian and Edward in Pretty Woman

The hooker and the asset stripper turned out to be very similar people underneath, which is to say they’re both out for what they can get. And when it comes down to it he’s got all the money and she hasn’t. She would do incredibly well out of the divorce.

Charles and Carrie in Four Weddings and a Funeral

Did you have difficulty remembering the characters’ names? That’s because they barely know each other. Realistically, a couple who bollocksed up every relationship they were in would have lasted six months, she’d have gone back to the States and he’d remain a bumbling arsehole. In Richard Curtis’s world you decide you’re in love and it’s fine. Real life isn’t so simple.

Holly and Paul in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Holly Golightly, as played by Audrey Hepburn, is quirky, spontaneous and interestingly troubled, ie totally exhausting to go out with. Two months after the end of the film Paul would have bailed.

Edward and Bella in Twilight

Edward and Bella had nothing in common except being bland vampires threatened by some other bland vampires. Once the final battle was over, they’d spend evenings sitting in silence watching the news and eating ready meals until one of them gets so bored they shag a werewolf.

Rose and Jack in Titanic

Not only is Rose similar to actual Kate Winslet in that she’s kind of pretentious and annoying, but in real-life survival situations ruthless self-preservation takes over. Jack would have tipped Rose into the freezing waters and claimed the door for himself. Audiences would have cheered. The whole bit with her as an old woman is a dream sequence.