POST-BREXIT haulage companies are in the shit, with 10,000 drivers urgently needed. But could you handle being a knight of the road?
Pissing in a bottle
Unlike car drivers, who can relieve themselves at a services or layby, lorry drivers don’t have time to stop. They’ve got to manipulate their dick into the neck of a Lucozade bottle, urinate, seal it carefully and chuck it out of the window, all while driving at 56mph and keeping their revs up.
Eating Ginsters for breakfast
Lorry drivers are legally exempt from the five-a-day rule and survive on Ginsters, Pepperami, Walkers Max crisps and cans of Monster. Eating at a layby burger bar called Dirty Dicks run by a bloke with a fag in the corner of his mouth is Michelin dining for you.
Overtaking other lorries by going 1mph faster
The only social contact you’re getting for the next 14 hours is overtaking another haulier very, very slowly, so savour it. The glances you exchange as you draw alongside your fellow driver are as pregnant with meaning as any in Brief Encounter. Don’t worry about blocking the entire dual carriageway, it makes it safer.
Sleeping in laybys
If you hate your family, this is the career for you. Spend your evenings parked on the A500 outside Stoke with no internet and a third-hand Jack Reacher to read, listening for the sound of a break-in. Arrive home to see the kids at 8pm before leaving at 5am the next day.
Really love the M20
If you’re back-and-forth to the EU, you’re spending most of your days stationary in Kent. Developing a deep love of the M20, its flora and fauna and the sights and sounds of the roadside, is crucial. You’ll be parked in a conga line with your trucker mates waiting for cross-border f**k-ups to be sorted out for decades to come.
