POPPING the local for one? Prepared to overhear the most appallingly lunatic conversations ever? Get ready for these:
Vaccine/climate change/everything denial
Either one wouldn’t surprise, but these guys are so deep down the conspiracy rabbit hole that everything and everyone is part of the plot. Did you know pigeons were developed by the CIA as mobile surveillance units, and we don’t remember because of false memories implanted by our microwave ovens?
Plans for a new political party
Pubs are the cornerstone of British society, so naturally politics is discussed openly and freely. Marvel in horror as a random drunk’s concept of a party ‘for the people’ quickly mutates into the Taliban waving a Union Jack. Farage is dismissed as a ‘classical liberal’.
A disgusting medical condition
Before going to your local, you thought people just got colds, vomiting bugs and serious hospital stuff. Turns out there’s a fourth category of diseases that no-one gets except this pissed man who says his bollock swelled up the size of a melon and exploded. Several blokes who were in the snug with him at the time confirmed it.
Animals they could take in a fight
It may have started off small – like a guinea pig or a koala – but this gentle hypothetical chat has now unravelled into a violent screaming match between two men, one of whom swears he could beat up a kangaroo and the other who claims he already has.
The time they accidentally killed a man
Just when you thought the shit they’re spouting couldn’t get more outrageous, one guy says ‘Remember when we killed that feller?’ All the regulars excitedly join in the tale of a man who was antagonistic during a lock-in, got himself killed but to be fair he was asking for it, and is buried in the beer garden. Time to go on to a wine bar.