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Midnight f**king ages away when you're staying up for it with kids

STAYING awake to witness one year transition to the next is a gruelling marathon that will never end when done with children under ten, parents agree.

While midnight approaches in no time when happily getting smashed with friends, the distance between their usual bedtime and the midnight hour seems infinite when entertaining exhausted yet frenzied children.

Parent Nikki Hollis said: “Midnight is a meaningless construct when you’re an adult. It barely even registers. It’s just the signal to stop binge-watching.

“But with sleep-deprived children, excited for something they don’t understand, high on pop, running in circles and screeching? Each minute is an eternity, and the finishing line a distant horizon you may never reach.

“The normal passage of time doesn’t apply. As you inch closer, midnight seems to taunt you by running further away. It’s like you’re stuck in a nightmare where you’re trying to run but a six-year-old is jeering while you try to build Lego.

“It’d be so much easier if I could pass the time with a quick bump. Instead I have to chuck on Shrek Forever After, which makes the evening feel even longer.”

Hollis’s eight-year-old son Jack said: “The best part is I’ll barely remember any of this special night.”

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How to stop yourself sobering up between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve

THERE’S a whole week between the year’s two biggest piss-ups. If you want to keep the party going while you wait, stay half-cut with this guide: 

Establish a support network

It’s unreasonable to expect you to do this by yourself. If you want to stay shitfaced for six days straight, you’re going to need a network of close friends and relatives to supportively place another drink into your trembling hands. Don’t feel like a burden though – you’ll be repaying the favour by grabbing them a bottle whenever you stumble uncertainly to the fridge.

Indulge your triggers

People trying to achieve a life of sobriety avoid anything that will set off their vice. Since you’re taking the opposite approach, constantly expose yourself to temptation. Anything from lingering in the cheerful atmosphere of a pub to putting yourself in stressful situations where you desperately need alcohol to calm your nerves will work. Perhaps visit the roughest local hostelry wearing a ‘MORE IMMIGRATION NOW!’ T-shirt? As long as you struggle to form barely coherent sentences, you’re doing it right.

Pace yourself

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re trying to find the sweet spot where you’re more than tipsy but not quite paralytic. Going too soft will bring the crushing mundanity of the festive dead zone into harsh relief, whereas drinking too much could send you spiralling into an ill-timed hangover on New Year’s Eve. Don’t waste all of December 31st hunched miserably over a toilet puking your guts up. That’s what January 1st is for.

Eat the bare minimum

Seasoned pissheads already know that eating’s cheating, but it’s especially important to remember this disclaimer at Christmas. With so many slices of cured meat and Pringles tubes to hand, it’s all too easy to inadvertently graze your way to clearheadedness. If you must eat more than the bare minimum needed to keep you alive, opt for chocolate liqueurs to keep your blood alcohol level up.

Ignore your limits

Over the course of the week your body is going to try to tell you to stop knocking back booze and drink a healthy glass of water instead. At times like these you’ll need to tap reserves of physical and mental determination. By ignoring the limits of what your liver, bowels and brain cells can tolerate, you’ll reach new plateaus of intoxicated merriment. Have you got a drink problem? No, you’re powering through the infamous wall!

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