Millennial resigns herself to having 'plant babies'

A WOMAN who cannot afford to buy a house and fill it with children has decided to become the ‘mum’ of her houseplants instead.

Even a pet or ‘fur baby’ would be too much for Francesca Johnson’s limited resources, so she is instead devoting herself to bringing up pot plants she has given names.

Johnson said: “While it would be nice to have kids the only way I could afford to rent a house instead of a bedsit is if I moved to somewhere like Wigan. So that’s out for a start.

“Instead I’m putting all my energy into my ‘plant babies’. They’re less hassle than real children and you can still give them aspirational names. That spider plant’s called Crispian.

“You get the challenging side of parenting too, because they need to be fed and never say please or thank you, just like real kids. And I’ll be able to bond with other parents because it’s going to be a real hassle finding a school that will accept a pot plant.

“But the real upside is that if I get bored and neglect them for several weeks, I can just pop them in the bin without worrying about social services getting involved.”

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Twat looking for new series he can feel superior about not watching

AS Game Of Thrones concludes, a man is seeking out another TV show he can ostentatiously make a point of not watching.

Nathan Muir has been announcing he has no interest in the show on an almost daily basis on Twitter, while providing a detailed critique of what he imagines it to be.

Muir said: “I didn’t insult my brain by tuning in, of course, but from what I understand it’s for people with no taste who collect metal dwarves and can’t cope with real life.

“Who will win? The dragons or the goblins? Who cares? Not me. But now I need another series I can tell everyone I don’t watch to prove how fascinating I am.

“Hopefully they’ll make one about zombies so I can drone on about the TV industry’s creative bankruptcy. I’ll be careful not to watch an episode properly in case it’s good and I like it.

“Ideally I’d like one with Olivia Colman investigating murders. That’s the sort of popular thing that really confirms how superior I am to all the bovine sofa-dwelling morons.

“All these things seem to involve sex, don’t they? Everyone seems to be having a lot of it, even the goblins on Game Of Thrones.

“Well not me, that’s for sure.”