Millennials drinking less than their parents did because pints aren't 40p

BRITONS born between 1984 and 2000 drink less alcohol than previous generations because it costs more than a fiver to get shitfaced, research has found.

Other factors, including increased awareness of health risks and the need for smashed avocado on toast, have proved less important than the financial challenge of getting properly trousered three nights a week.

Tom Booker, 19, said: “All my life I’ve heard about the Student Union where one could pay 40p for a pint of ‘Skol’.

“It’s the only reason I got my A-levels and agreed to a 46-grand loan.”

He added: “It’s all bollocks. We don’t drink because it turns out that a pint costs an hour’s wages. As does everything else.

That’s the one and only reason we’re all against capitalism and shout ‘Defund the police’. Because of that ale lie promise.”

Tom’s mother, Sarah Booker, said: “It’s still fairly cheap down Lidl. You’ll just have to carry on drinking at skate parks until you’re 40.”

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Commuter finally snaps and starts pretending to be a train

A COMMUTER has finally snapped after years of rail strikes and now believes he is a train.

49-year-old Wayne Hayes had become increasingly agitated by rail cancellations, and finally lost his grip on reality when he arrived at his local station this morning to find there was industrial action.

Onlooker Emma Bradford said: “Suddenly he started making train noises and moving his arms in a rhythmical locomotive-style manner.

“‘I am the train’, he said, ‘my name is Mr Chuffs! All aboard!’.

“He then went puffing up and down the platform saying ‘choo choo’ and muttering something about how a range of hot and cold drinks were available from his jacket pocket. I hope he’ll be alright.”

Hayes said: “I’m wasn’t feeling very well earlier, but it was just a temporary thing brought on by stress.

“I’m booked in at the Stevenage depot for a full service so that should see me right.”