Millennials give up hope of ever affording embarrassing midlife crisis

THE millennial generation will not have the savings to waste on a ludicrous midlife crisis like their parents did, experts have warned.

A combination of rising inflation and no hope of getting on the property ladder has forced them to accept they will never be able to splash out on a Mazda MX-5 when they start going bald or get bored of their spouse.

Lucy Phipps said: “When my dad turned 51, he bought a Gibson Les Paul with his own name embossed on it. It cost about 12 grand, and is largely the reason why I now have such a huge student loan to pay back.

“But given that the majority of my salary goes to the landlord of the shitty flat I live in, I won’t be able to afford to do something similarly selfish like leave my husband and go on a round-the-world trip with a hot young gigolo when I reach the menopause. It’s not fair.”

Economist Martin Bishop said: “Young people today piss their money away on flat whites and Netflix, when they should be saving for one massive vanity purchase in their 50s that will capsize their finances and estrange their family.”

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The five reasons your mum has popped round that are clearly bullshit

YOUR mum is a nosy parker desperate to keep tabs on your life. These are the reasons she’ll pretend she’s popped round for.

Her printer is broken

Your mum’s printer has stopped working. She’s brought her laptop to show you the button that does nothing when she hits it. The printer? Oh, it’s back home ten miles away. No, she doesn’t know what kind it is. Maybe you can come over on Saturday and fix it? She never sees you these days.

Susan’s daughter just got a promotion

Susan’s daughter, who works in IT in London, has been promoted again. Isn’t that great news? She’s making more than £50k per year and she gets to go to conferences in Zurich. Apparently she just had to work really hard and be brilliant at her job. Is that something you’ve ever considered?

Your auntie is annoying her again

Jean said she wanted to go to John Lewis on Wednesday but then remembered she had her Zumba class, so now your mum has had to change the date that she’s popping next door to see Donna’s new kitchen island and sometimes she doesn’t know why she bothers. Anyway, have you got a girlfriend yet?

She wants to reproach you for having the heating on

Goodness, it’s warm in here! Your mother has been living in a state of shivering martyrdom for three months now, wearing vast quantities of shawls and blankets. Why are you able to spend so much money on energy bills all of a sudden? Have you had a promotion? Or are you selling drugs on the side?

She wants a cup of tea

She was going to get a cup of tea in Costa but the price was incredible. Should you put the kettle on? Ooh, yes, she’s gasping, and while you’re at it could you make her a sandwich and top up the oil and water in the car? But only if it’s no trouble.