Mindlessly scrolling on your phone: The predictable ways you'll piss your evening away again

GOT grand plans about how you will spend the evening? Forget them. This is what you’ll be doing instead.

Falling asleep far too early

You and your partner have set this evening aside to chat and spend some quality time together. But that frozen lasagna intended for a family of four which you’ll eat by yourselves has other ideas. Your body will be so awash with fat and complex Italian carbohydrates that you’re doomed to pass out on the sofa by 7pm.

Mindlessly scrolling on your phone

Did you plan to have a relaxing evening? Well, plans change. Instead, you’ll spend hours aimlessly scrolling through various news feeds and soaking up all the horrors humanity is currently enduring. Before you know it, it’s 1am and all you’ve done is read an article about a soon-to-be extinct Malaysian tree frog.

Arguing about what to watch

Did your friend recommend a new Netflix series? Or perhaps your partner’s colleague told them about a brilliant movie that’s just come out? Instead of agreeing to watch either piece of quality entertainment, you and your other half will spend the next four hours yelling at each other. This fight is about more than your viewing habits though, isn’t it?

Trawling through Facebook

Is this the evening you finally pick up one of the books on your bedside table? No. As usual, you will waste another night trawling through Facebook, getting angry at your conspiracy theory obsessed uncle, and seeing what your ex is up to. Sadly it looks like they’re still happy in their new marriage, probably because they don’t piss away their evenings on Facebook.

Gawping at YouTube

When all else fails, the YouTube algorithm is always there to help you while away your time. It’ll start you off easy with funny videos of cats getting surprised or people falling through hedges, but before long you’ll be radicalised by clips from The Joe Rogan Experience. That’s if you can bear to sit through all the f**king pre-roll ads.

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How to support a big six club and be a twat about it

FAN of a Premier League giant? If so then you need to be very annoying about it in these specific ways.

Bang on about your ‘history’

Your team has some old silverware in a trophy cabinet which means they have a right to be successful now. That’s how sport works. Just never let on that you’ve watched some of those famous triumphs from the 70s on YouTube and were bored to tears by the shocking standard of football on display.

Be completely biased

Your team is simply too good to lose. Could a club with Salah or Foden or Pogba or Kane get beaten fairly? Not likely. On the rare occasion you don’t win, blame the opposition’s negative tactics, the ref, VAR or all three. If you’ve clearly been outplayed, just bore on about ‘expected goals’ or ‘transfer net spend’ until whoever you’re talking to wanders off.

Don’t really go to games

It’s hard to attend Man Utd games from your home in Surrey. So when you do go, document every single moment for posterity. Arrive at the ground three hours before kick off and take photos of every aisle in the club shop, the turnstiles, your poor view of the pitch, and even the limp £10 hot dog you bought in the stand.

Slag off your latest big money signing

Whether owned by loveable Russian oligarchs or loveable Sheikhs from questionable regimes, it’s likely your team have a few quid to spend. Just ignore the complaints of smaller clubs about this clear financial doping. It’s not your fault Bury or Macclesfield are skint, and at least they don’t have to watch a striker who cost £80 million struggle to score.

Glorify your former managers

If your team is having a bad season by finishing third instead of top, you can always luxuriate in the past. Arsenal have Arsene Wenger, who revolutionised the modern game by suggesting his squad don’t get pissed all the time. Man Utd have Fergie’s reign of terror and the success that brought. Even Chelsea have Mourinho. The first stint obviously. Not when he went mad and got sacked.