Couple face grim realisation their parents will outlive their massive f**king mortgage

A COUPLE with a huge mortgage have realised their parents will not pass on their inheritance money before they have paid it off themselves.

Homeowners Joshua Hudson and Emma Bradford signed up to the 25-year mortgage under the impression that at least one of them would be orphaned and filthy rich before the distant settlement date.

Hudson said: “Emma’s parents seemed ancient 10 years ago, so I was convinced it wouldn’t be long until they gave us a tidy sum. But if anything they seem fitter than ever.

“They’re siting on a fortune they don’t need anymore, meanwhile we can’t spunk their cash on new cars and foreign holidays. It’s so unfair, selfish even.”

Bradford added: “Tom’s dad died before we met, which is very sad, but at least it seemed to improve the odds in our favour. We only had kids because we thought we’d have inherited his mum’s enormous house by now.

“At this rate we’ll be lucky to pay off our home before we retire. I just hope our children don’t grow up thinking of us as cash cows who should hurry up and die so they can get a windfall. That would be horrible.”

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Five disappointing trips and activities to book with the kids this Easter

WANT to spend your Easter weekend dragging the kids round underwhelming activities while getting ripped off? Go to these places.

City farm

At first the whole family will be on a high as you gaze at the animals. But you’ll soon realise there are only six of them and all they do is stand around looking depressed and emitting the odd bleat of despair. The real highlight will be a stale slice of cake in an overpriced cafe that stinks of shit. 


You’ll spend your time exhausting yourself as you try to convince your bored children that visiting a museum about lawnmowers or pencils was a good idea. You won’t have a single second to take in any of the punishingly dull information yourself, and the whole day will be a grim death march towards the inevitable tantrum in the gift shop.

Swimming pool

If your idea of fun is standing shoulder-to-shoulder with other largely naked parents in piss-filled waters, this is the day out for you. Other high points include wrestling your kids in and out of their swimming gear, being permanently on edge that there might be an accident, and feeling a verruca starting to form on your foot. All for the best part of 20 quid.

National Trust property

The weather will screw over your plans to stroll around a Tudor garden, so you’ll eat your picnic in the car instead. Eventually you’ll be forced to explore the stately home which is too boring for anyone to appreciate, and if things brighten up you’ll spend the afternoon in a playground telling your kids ‘We really have to leave now’ 300 times.

Theme park 

A trip to the theme park combines the thrill of taking your bickering family on a 100-mile drive with the joy of repeatedly standing in a queue for 90 minutes. And just when you get round to the one ride you’ve been looking forward to, your kid will chicken out and you’ll be forced to bow out yourself.