Missing middle-class woman found under throw pillow avalanche

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman reported missing by her family has been found buried under an avalanche of throw pillows in her own home. 

Helen Archer, who is currently recovering in hospital, admitted causing the pillowslide after trying to fit on six new ones she had bought that day from Next.

She said: “The settee, which nobody’s allowed to sit on because it disturbs the arrangement, already had more than 168 throw and scatter pillows on it. In retrospect that was a few too many.

“I put the new ones on in descending size order according to custom, stepped back to admire it and heard an ominous creaking.

“The next thing I knew I was buried in an avalanche of plushness, sequins, faux fur, and curlicued script saying something about love. I tried to call out but my voice was simply too muffled.”

Rescuers have been criticised for not searching beneath the pillows earlier even though the house’s garden contained a ornate birdbath and the downstairs loo had four different Yankee Candles, both clues pointing to a middle-class disaster.

Archer managed to survive for three days on a half-bottle of rosé and a pot of hummus. The incident came a week after a Cotswolds man was rescued from within his own North Face clothing, having been trapped for over a week.

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Checkout girl doesn't give a shit why you've not brought your bag for life

A SUPERMARKET checkout assistant has confirmed she could not care less about your reasons for not bringing reusable shopping bags with you today. 

Joanna Kramer, aged 39, estimates she is given at least 20 excuses for buying carrier bags every shift, and does not listen to a single one of them.

She said: “Who am I, the Green police? And if your justification isn’t good enough I’ll make you put all your shopping back?

“It’s like people think I hold them personally responsible for destroying the environment. I’ve been out back where they unload the pallets. I’ve seen plastic waste. A few bags is nothing.

“But still they come at me with ‘oh, my husband’s taken my car with all my bags in it’ and ‘I didn’t know I’d be buying more than one thing’ as if I give a solitary shit.

“I’m like, I just work here mate. Shut the fuck up.”

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “I do care about the environment and love dolphins, but on the way here I saw a poor orphan boy huddled in a doorway so I gave him my bag for life as a bed. Is that good enough?”