Moaning about raunchy pop videos, and five other signs you're no better than your parents

FIGHTING aging isn’t all dye and face serums. It’s also sitting through Sam Smith’s new video without provoking the reaction teenagers online are waiting for. And these: 

Finding gigs far too loud

Down the front in the mosh pit? No. Sensibly placed three-quarters back? That was the plan, but even with earplugs it’s ridiculous. It hurts, you complain in the corridor to a security guy who hasn’t heard anything since Leftfield in 2000.

Being shocked by raunchy pop videos

You sneered at your parents’ distaste for Madonna or Snoop Dogg. They just didn’t get that these were valid artists expressing themselves, with nudity and sex acts as their palette. Today’s pop stars? Getting their bits out for no reason. Nobody wants to see that.

Enjoying comfortable clothing too much

Skinny jean to straight leg was a fashionable transition; strappy top to fleece covered in dog hair down the pub is not.

Getting passionate about storage solutions

Back then, you kept all you owned in a rucksack. The whole world was your home and memories the only treasure. Now you dream of fitted cupboards in the loft to hold your plastic boxes full of archive NMEs, filed by date.

Ordering the same thing everywhere

Different curry houses offer different variations, for example Gujariti restaurants specialise in vegetarian dishes, Bengali favouring fish, and so on. Lately you don’t even open the menu. You order the lamb rogan josh, because you like it, and everyone else can f**k off.

The best socialising is no socialising

It’s cold, you’re tired and the only mates left who still go out are the boring ones. Who in their right mind would want to go to a pub, with its noise and expense and irritating students, when you can get far more pissed at home with nobody judging you?

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Princess of Wales's distraction wardrobe upgraded to red

THE UK’s state has been officially assessed as so dire that Princess Kate’s outfits have been upgraded to their highest distraction level.

Strikes, tax scandals, and a grim economic outlook from the IMF have all contributed to the Princess of Wales’s headline-grabbing clothes being upgraded to a scarlet Alexander McQueen power suit that cost £1,980.

Royal correspondent Denys Finch-Hatton said: “You know shit has well and truly hit the fan when Kate steps out in red. The country is days away from complete collapse, if not hours.

“Red suits are extremely rare and trigger an emergency Cobra meeting. They’re also a warning for the public to stock up on tinned foods, stay indoors and avoid Newsnight until the danger has passed.

“Our duty is to focus on the Princess of Wales’s sheer marvellousness relentlessly. The public’s responsibility is to hold her image, like a proud scarlet ibis, at the forefront of their minds at all times because nothing else matters.” 

Panicked civilian Margaret Gerving said: “Kate had already changed from a plum trouser-suit to a cerise coat in a matter of weeks. Now look at her. We’re f**ked.”