Mum delighted by thoughtlessly expensive gift

A WOMAN is over the moon to have received a very expensive gift that is in no way personal to her.

Helen Archer, from Derby, was thrilled to be given an Italian cashmere scarf and glove set by her daughter’s fiancé, complete with fancy gift wrapping from a department store she admires.

Archer said: “Every Christmas the thoughtfulness of friends and family when it comes to gifting is exhausting.

“Finally I have been given something that is shamelessly trying to impress me, rather than connect with my emotions. He can come again.

“This heartless and generic present beats receiving another photo of a loved one in a hand-painted frame, or a book I mentioned in passing over the summer that someone has carefully remembered to buy me.

“How do I tell my family that I don’t want to feel known. I want to feel sure that a three-figure sum has left their bank account?”

Archer’s son Oliver said: “I could tell Mum adored the photo of her first grandchild in a lovingly decoupaged frame that we gave her. You can’t put a price on thoughtfulness. Although it is definitely a lot cheaper than cashmere.”

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Blissful Boxing Day spent hungover watching non-league football

A FAMILY has spent Boxing Day in the best way possible – watching non-league football through thumping hangovers. 

Joseph Turner organised the trip to see Burgess Hill play Lancing for the 26th in the full knowlege that he and his two adult sons would be in need of recovery.

He said: “There’s something about an Isthmian League South East Division game on a winter’s day, nobody giving a shit about the result, that really soothes the soul. And the head.

“I promise you, every one of the 400 people here, yelling desultory encouragement at players who’d rather be at home, is hanging out of their arses after an all-day session which didn’t finish until the Baileys was drained at 3am.

“If we were at home we’d be groaning, throwing up, sweating like buggery and suffering through United against Villa on Amazon. Being here puts all that aside. And I tell you what, I’ll be ready for a lager when I get in.”

Son Tom said: “Yes, I’ve got the beer shakes and I’m gripping a rail to stop myself collapsing. But Dad’s right, there’s something about their suffering that really alleviates yours. What’s a mere hangover compared to this?

“God, I hope nobody scores a goal. That would ruin it.”