Mum only asking what you want for Christmas so she can challenge it

A MOTHER has asked her children what they would like for Christmas so she can use their answers to deliver much-needed criticism of their lives. 

Mary Fisher, aged 68, thoughtfully rang her son and daughter to get their gift preferences and to explain why they were in fact wrong and pointed to deep character flaws.

She said: “Giving is such an important part of the season, and I’ll be giving my son and daughter studied assessments of what they’ve got wrong this year and gifts to suit.

“It’s a time for family and accepting they know more about what you’re missing in your life than you do yourself. For example my son wanted headphones when he doesn’t listen already and he’d look a little bit like Ben Fogle in a nice yellow scarf from TK Maxx.

“And I don’t know why my daughter thinks she needs expensive earrings that make her look like an escort girl when she could have new cutlery, because if she wasn’t so ashamed of her tableware she might invite her mother over for dinner more often.

“All it took was three two-hour phone calls and she’s completely convinced. That I’ve made such a positive difference to their lives is the only present I need. And an air fryer. I’ve specified which one.”

Daughter Helen said: “Every year we have this conversation. Last year my present was being signed up to run a marathon.”

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But what's actually wrong with 'friends with benefits', ask men

MEN are struggling to understand why women are so disapproving of a nice, cosy ‘friends with benefits’ scenario. 

Seeing it as the best of both worlds, men have admitted they honestly are unable to see the disadvantages and asked their female friends if they are able to list them then please do.

Tom Logan said: “Friendship is nice. Sex is nice. Put them together and what have you got? Double nice. Maybe even nice squared.

“It’s a friendship with a shared interest that you enjoy doing together, but in this case the interest isn’t tennis or Warhammer but fun, playful sex. I don’t get why going to an art gallery with a female friend is fine while going at it doggystyle is forbidden.

“Friends with benefits means you can have all the joys of a satisfying sexual relationship and then engage in other activities you enjoy, like playing videogames, cooking or farting competitions. Without the downsides like caring about each others’ families and shit.

“Women don’t trust men who don’t have female friends, so surely a man with multiple female friends is especially trustworthy even if the friends are under-35 and busty. Please, tell me what the problem is. I’m confident I can form strong counter-arguments.”

He added: “Of course, if I’m asked what I’m after I say a loving, serious, committed, monogamous long-term relationship. I’m not f**king stupid.”