Woman simply does not have time for election this side of Christmas

A BUSY mum has urged MPs to back the Rwanda bill because she simply does not have room in her life for a general election right now.

38-year-old Susan Traherne from Gloucester still needs to send cards, wrap presents and do her big shop, leaving her unable to participate in democracy until mid-January at the earliest.

She said: “The Tories have had all year to implode. Doing it now isn’t fair on busy families trying to have festive fun.

“I can’t pay attention to new manifestos from all the major parties, and the Lib Dems, when I’ve got a carol concert to attend and a freezer to fill. Keir Starmer’s going to have to shelve his halting attempts to be charismatic until next year.

“When am I supposed to squeeze in popping to the polling booth? During a lull in a nativity play? I’ve got 20 minutes free next Tuesday and queuing at the Post Office will claim that.

“No, I’m sorry, we’re just going to have to let this shower of bastards rumble on for another fortnight. Booting them out will give us all something to look forward to in January.”

Rishi Sunak said: “Works for me. I’ve booked Chequers for the works Christmas do and can’t afford to lose my deposit.”

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Disgraced serial liar and man who came third in reality show are Tory dream ticket

A MAN Britain has still not forgiven for lying to them and a man who came third in a little-watched reality show are the dream ticket for the Conservative party, apparently. 

Newspapers which lost touch with reality some time ago are touting Boris Johnson, who nobody has forgiven for Partygate, and Nigel Farage, who nobody has forgiven for Brexit, as the team which will take the Tories back to the top.

Telegraph columnist Abigail Pennson said: “Boris, thrown out against the will of the people. Nige, never elected against the will of the people. Together they’d be unstoppable.

“Not only are these two guys adored unreservedly, they’re loved by two completely different sections of the electorate: one centre-right, one ultra-right, so that covers every voter in Britain.

“And they’ll have no problem sharing the spotlight. Neither one is in any way a prima donna who thinks the whole world revolves around them. They’ll gel perfectly.”

Carolyn Ryan of Bedford said: “I’m not sure ‘as popular with ITV viewers as Matt Hancock’ is quite the resurgence in popularity the Daily Mail thinks.

“Though Boris told the Covid inquiry last week there were no parties in Downing Street over lockdown at all. And, hearing it this time, I now completely believe him.”