Mum praises kids for decorating tree while thinking 'what a f**king mess'

A WOMAN is inwardly seething over the colossal disaster her children have made of decorating the Christmas tree. 

Joanna Kramer, from Stevenage, decorated the tree along with her eight-year-old son and six-year-old daughter because it was the right thing to do, but confessed that the resulting atrocity ‘burns her eyes’.

She said: “It was so nice when they were babies. I’d pick a colour scheme, say purple and silver, space it all nicely, and it would look just like the tree in the lobby of a boutique hotel.

“But now we have to do it as a family, because that’s what Christmas is about, and it looks like the explosive diarrhoea of Fairy Fuckwit after too many glitter cocktails.

“They’ve used multi-coloured lights, they’ve got them on flash, they’ve thrown on tinsel with no regard as to whether it matches and the baubles, sweet Jesus. I’m honestly glad when they break.

“My husband said surely it was ‘nicer because the whole family was involved’, as if he has actually lifted a fucking finger to help.

“Everyone has nicer things than me.”

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'What is 'Brexit'?' asks David Davis

BREXIT secretary David Davis has denied ever having heard the word ‘Brexit’ before and has asked somebody to explain it to him. 

Speaking to a Commons select committee, Davis said that it sounded like a made-up word, perhaps for a new kitchen device.

He continued: “Leaving Europe? I hate to contradict you, but that’s a geographical impossibility.

“Exiting the EU? Yes, that is the name of the department I represent, but it’s nothing as brutish as you imply. I think it’s meant to be ‘Exciting the EU’, but the ‘c’ fell off.

“Michel Barnier was my pen-pal from school, that’s why we’re meeting so often. So much to catch up on. He really is marvellous company.

“I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with the novels of Dan Brown, but Triggering Article 50 does sound like a good one. I must read it.”

Davis added: “I am a principled politician concerned about the erosion of civil liberties, who you remember from 2008. There is no so-called ‘Brexit’. There never was.”