Mum who 'just wants children to be happy' also wants them to be tall, slim and academically gifted

A MOTHER who claims she just wants her children to be happy is also secretly hoping they become genius supermodels, it has emerged.

Helen Archer insists that her children can turn out however they want, and that their extracurricular viola and Mandarin lessons are not part of some grand scheme to influence their future choices.

Archer said: “A lot of people expect too much of their children, but as long as Oliver and Emily are content and fulfilled, I don’t mind what they end up doing. As long as it’s more impressive than my friends’ kids, obviously.

“They could be refuse workers or shelf-stackers, for all I care. I mean, it’s unlikely as I’m a divorce lawyer and Daddy is a surgeon, but I wouldn’t mind. No, honestly.”

Archer, who has enrolled Oliver at a bilingual private kindergarten and is planning to send Emily next year, insists she also has no preference when it comes to their looks.

“Of course, it would be lovely if they favoured me rather than their father – blonde instead of mousy, willowy instead of dumpy. But that would just be an added bonus. Not a necessity by any means.

“Emily might want electrolysis if she gets her Granny’s facial hair. I’d pay for that. But only if she wants it.”

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How to answer your child's annoyingly difficult questions about the Queen

IN this time of national grief, some face the additional burden of handling questions from confused infants. Here’s how to answer them.

If Paddington Bear is taking the Queen to Heaven, does that mean he’s dead too?

No, Paddington is just leading her to the pearly gates and then he’ll come back to London to be with King Charles. I know there was never even the smallest inkling in the films that Paddington was so close to the Royal Family, but go with it. Everyone else is.

Will there be more Queens?

No, that’s it, now. It’s the boys’ turn until the 22nd century at least, or until Britain makes the unthinkable decision that the monarchy is an archaic institution that has no part in the functioning of a modern democracy, which will never happen.

Why are all those people queuing up to see the Queen’s coffin?

Because they liked the Queen. Because they want to be part of history. And because the British tend to lose their minds a bit and do strange shit regarding the Royal family about six to eight times per century. If anything we are overdue.

Am I wrong for wanting to watch CBBC rather than Nicholas Witchell?

No, that’s absolutely fair enough. We’ve all had enough of him and would prefer to watch a few hours of Bluey instead. Prince George is probably doing so right now.

If I work hard and do my best will I become Queen one day?

No. Due to the accident of your birth, there is no way you can end up with the immense wealth and privilege of the Queen, no matter how hard you work or how talented you are. Odd system when you come to think about it, which is why we’re encouraged not to.

Why was there no similar outpouring of grief when my Grandma died?

Because although Grandma was very nice, she wasn’t on all the money and stamps and therefore not that many people knew who she was. People didn’t feel they owned Grandma, which is lucky really because she would have hated all this bloody fuss.