Seven money saving hacks and how they'll backfire badly

AS the cost of living crisis bites, we’re all looking for money saving tips. These will guarantee you’ll end up spending more than you would have in the first place. 

Go to charity shops

Second hand clothes will cheaper than new, you think, rifling through the racks at the local RSPCA shop. But weirdly this isn’t true, as even the stuff from Primark is cheaper in actual Primark. After spending £40 on a few items that begin to smell disgusting and fall apart after you’ve worn them for ten minutes, you go to H&M, where the clothes are expensive, but at least clean.

Only buy reduced food

Limiting your supermarket shopping to stuff that’s got a yellow sticker is a great way to save pennies, except a lot of it is shit that you don’t actually like. That vegan coleslaw will sit in the fridge for a few days while you build up the mental strength to eat it, and when you do finally open it, it’s way past its sell-by date. It goes straight in the bin and you get a ruinously expensive Deliveroo instead.

Get into candles

As well as saving money on electricity, candles provide a romantic atmosphere, and often a nice smell. However, after seeing how much a Yankee sodding Candle costs, you opt for cheap tea lights, which you need a lot of to cast any light. After leaving them unattended with the dog for two minutes, the carpet gets badly singed, which will cost a lot more to replace than your energy bills would have.

Share your streamers

Save a bit of cash by sharing your Netflix and Disney+ passwords with family: everyone chips in and, hey presto, you’ll have five different ways to waste your evenings for the price of one. Until your brother doesn’t actually transfer you his cut and your sister-in-law gets ill and you feel bad harassing her for the money. In the end you’re just resentfully funding everyone’s Better Call Saul habit out of your own pocket.

Take a packed lunch

If you don’t forget to make it, leave it on the bus, or pack it so badly that all you’re left with is a rucksack full of hummus and mushed salad, you won’t want to eat it because packed lunches are never appetising. Instead you’ll give into the siren call of a Boots meal deal or a Pret toastie, meaning you’ll end up paying twice over as well as feeling guilty. It’s lose-lose.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Fracking, and other things I bet you didn’t know the Queen loved. By Liz Truss

NOW is not the time for party politics. Which is why we are only passing legislation close to the Queen’s heart, such as drilling for shale oil and unlimited bankers’ bonuses.

Her Majesty was a huge fan of injecting a high-pressure mixture of water and chemicals into rock strata to release natural gas, and told me in private when we met. Sadly she cannot confirm this now, but I feel we should honour her last wish.

Queen Elizabeth was equally in favour of bankers’ bonuses. ‘Gosh, those banking chaps deserve more money,’ she said. And that’s because she believed in aspiration and the free market. In terms of our political beliefs we could almost be the same person.

She definitely would have outlawed protests like we’re doing. In the olden days the Queen would simply have had rebellious peasants massacred by knights. But as a thoroughly modern monarch, Elizabeth would have been content with 18-month prison sentences to teach them a lesson.

Elizabeth, or ‘Liz’ as she asked me to call her – my how we laughed – loved the Commonwealth. She was always visiting noble savages in Africa, and that’s where she would have wanted them to stay, not come to Britain with our baffling pedestrian crossings and buses. Which coincidentally is what our deportation policy aims to do, only with Muslims and Ukrainians too.

And finally we know that Elizabeth learned to drive a truck in World War 2. As a keen motorist she would have been opposed to speed limits on motorways. Our plucky young queen wouldn’t have chugged along at a sedate 70mph when she wasn’t afraid of Hitler!

It’s almost as if I have a psychic bond with the Queen. And that’s how I know she’ll want me to take centre stage at her funeral on Monday. Thank you for your support, Liz, and I hope they have horse racing and corgis in the afterlife.