'Mummy had a wee on the road': Things your kids will remember about their incredibly expensive holiday

WHETHER you splashed out on a Caribbean cruise or spaffed thousands on Center Parcs, these are the only holiday memories your children will take with them into adulthood.

We banged heads jumping into the pool

A fortnight’s all-inclusive holiday in Majorca will be remembered only for a single moment of trauma. What was a generally relaxing break full of sun, swimming, sandcastles and sorbet will be transformed over time into a hazy nightmare of screaming, panic, blood and tears. Just be grateful they don’t remember walking in on Mum giving Dad his holiday blowie.

Dad wouldn’t let us have ice cream

Yes, because they’d had an ice cream literally 20 minutes ago. In fact, the staff in the local gelateria were sick of the sight of you. But that will be forgotten by your children who’ll firmly believe they went on holiday to a Charles Dickens novel where all they got was gruel. In years to come, as they watch your coffin being lowered into the ground, they’ll turn to each other and say: ‘He was such a mean man.’

The arcade had a really cool Minecraft game

Despite being taken to some of the world’s most fascinating heritage sites, your kids will remember just one thing: the arcade opposite the hotel had an awesome Minecraft game. To be fair, your only memory of ten childhood days in a resort near Venice is playing Mortal Kombat for the first time, so what were you expecting?

Mummy had a wee on the road

Ah, a road trip through the Loire Valley. The beautiful vineyards, the historic chateaux, the quaint little towns… and Mum squatting at the side of the road, trying not to piss all over her new sandals. This memory will be so powerful that your kids won’t recall the interminably long car journeys, or Mum and Dad yelling bad words at each other after getting lost, just the weeing. She’ll never live it down.


When your 25-year-old daughter excitedly tells you she’s going to the States for the very first time, you’ll gently remind her about the three weeks she spent with you in Florida when she was eight. Oh, she thought that was Disneyland Paris. Just let it go: she doesn’t need to know that you remortgaged your house to give her what you thought would be an unforgettable experience.

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Mum just hopes both teams have a lovely time

A MOTHER watching the Women’s World Cup final will be happy so long as England and Spain have fun playing each other.

Mum-of-two Susan Traherne, 42, is not really fussed about who wins today’s little kickabout in Australia because at the end of the day having a good time is the most important thing.

She said: “Nothing’s as life and death as the media makes it out to be. So long as all the girls are all friends when the final whistle is blown, that’s what really matters.

“When it’s on I’ll be half watching, half flicking through the latest issue of House Beautiful. There’s a cracking feature about making autumn centrepieces for the dinner table I don’t want to miss. That’s my World Cup final.

“If anyone scores I’ll be sure to look up and cheer and tell them I definitely saw the goal. It’s a reflex all mums develop through years of pretending to watch their little ones and husbands muck around in soft play or at cricket.

“That reminds me, I need to phone Emma down the road for a meandering, pointless conversation. I’m sure nobody will mind if I talk over the commentary for the next 90 minutes or so. It’s not like you need to hear what’s happening anyway.”