Neighbours surely can't fit any more shit in their garden

THE family next door surely cannot fit any more shit in their garden, say concerned neighbours.

The Baxter family have spent the past few months steadily filling the outdoor space of their semi-detached new-build house with various entertainment items, to the point that it now resembles the map of a theme park.

Neighbour Nikki Hollis said: “They already had a sizeable shed. Then came the greenhouse, then the swing, then the f**king massive trampoline.

“I thought that’d be it. That was still April. Then they added outdoor sofas, a barbecue, a chiminea and what appears to be either a sculpture or some sort of sacrificial altar.

“Then yesterday there’s this blue thing, beyond the second shed, that appears to be an outdoor pool. Surely that’s it? Surely that’s the limit?

“The strange thing is that we never see them out there any more, probably because it’s so hard to navigate. But their cats are having a great time.”

Janine Baxter said: “We’ve ordered an inflatable hot tub. Well there’s no holidays this year is there?”

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'They’ve got a vaccine,' and five other reasons to do whatever you want

WITH a possible vaccine possibly on the horizon, it’s time to ignore all official advice on the pandemic and do whatever you like. Try these excuses: 

‘I’m outside’

Being outside dramatically slows the spread of the virus. It does not confer complete immunity and nobody’s ever said it did, but feel free to use it as your catch-all excuse for an all-day drinking session and barbecue with 20 other households.

‘Nobody I know’s had it’

Must be a myth then, if nobody in your small circle of acquaintances contracted it while the entire country was on lockdown. Just like swine flu and bird flu were bollocks because they didn’t kill anyone you knew personally. Get out and mingle.

‘I watched this bloke on YouTube…’

The perfect sentence to tune out immediately afterwards. In this case you watched some half-witted conspiracy theorist assemble misleading media clips about Covid and have decided that gives you enough cover to go to an overcrowded illegal rave in a car park.

‘I’ve probably had it’

Loads of people are asymptomatic, and who’s to say you’re not one of them? You did feel really hot back when there was all that sunny weather in April. In which case you’re perfectly safe and can do the TransPennine Real Ale Trail.

‘They’ve got a vaccine’

By interpreting news stories extremely selectively and ignoring all caveats, you can convince yourself there’s a vaccine ready for injection by September. Why else would the government open all the schools? Ayia Napa, anyone?