Neither minicab driver nor passenger actually wants to listen to Smooth FM

A MINICAB ride was ruined for both driver and passenger thanks to a radio station they both hated listening to.

Nathan Muir booked an Uber hoping to avoid a tedious journey by public transport but was instead subjected to a barrage of insipidly nostalgic music that he had no control over.

Muir said: “I thought I was having a little treat, getting a taxi. Instead I had inadvertently condemned myself to a grim cocoon filled with the sounds of tragic MOR bands like The Beautiful South, Tracy Chapman and Lighthouse Family.

“It was when Fairground Attraction’s Perfect came on that I was tempted to open the door and throw myself out onto the road, but I presume the driver loves a bit of Smooth and I didn’t want to be rude.”

Driver Tariq Aziz said: “Believe me, I would rather eat my own eyebrows than listen to this awful rubbish.

“But I took one look at the guy and thought, this seems like the sort of bland Englishman who would relish a soundtrack of beige, inoffensive easy listening.

“So I’m surprised to hear he hated it. What is it about the British? They aggressively colonise half the world but when it comes to saying ‘For both our sakes, could you turn this shit off?’ their courage entirely deserts them.”

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Man sending everyone dick pics this year

A MAN has informed all his female acquaintances that he will be sending out dick pics rather than Christmas cards this year.

Julian Cook, aged 35 and single, believes nothing would spread glad tidings and good cheer more than a tastefully-lit shot of his erect member sent directly to every woman he knows, except his mother.

He said: “Christmas cards are so impersonal, aren’t they? And this is the very opposite.

“Everyone’s sick of snowmen and robins and reindeer and all that shit, but everyone likes dicks. Come on. Objectively, they have proven enduringly popular when compared to scenes of ice-skating.

“Plus it’s well-known that Christmas cards were invented by Queen Victoria, and also that she was obsessed with Prince Albert’s large pierced German cock, so I reckon this is what she would have sent if society hadn’t been so prudish.

“I’ve used candlelight to give it that warm festive glow, and I did try and tie a ribbon around it but that bit where you make the ribbon curly with scissors made me wince so I stopped.

“Anyway, merry Christmas everyone! If you reply I’ve got a present for you. Bet you can’t guess what it is.”