You don't talk to each other on buses either, Northerners told

PEOPLE from the north of England have been accused of hypocrisy due to constantly going on about how unfriendly Southerners are on public transport.

Despite claiming to be shocked by the lack of eye contact Londoners make on the Tube, Northerners will frown and glare pointedly out of the window if you try to strike up a conversation on the bus.

Southerner Stephen Malley said: “My Northern mates always say everyone is super-friendly up there. So as I got on a northbound train for a weekend in Manchester, I made sure to smile at everyone. Didn’t get much response, but I thought it was probably because they were all Southern tourists.

“When I got on the bus to my hotel, I grinned at the man next to me and said it was a shame about the weather. All I got was a dirty look. Then, on the tram, I asked a woman how her day was going. She asked me if I wanted money or something.

“Even the pedestrians looked suspicious when I bid them a cheery good evening. Then it hit me: despite there being a whole three hours’ travelling difference between north and south, we aren’t so different after all.

“Aside from Northerners being arrogant bastards who think they’re better than everyone else, of course.”

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Normal not to feel Christmassy when you're an adult

THE public has been reminded it is totally normal not to feel a magical, tingly feeling near Christmas if you are an adult.

Various factors such as having to pay for presents and family-induced stress mean that grown-ups are not supposed to feel Christmassy, and in fact it would be deeply disturbing if anyone over 18 ever did.

Charlotte Phelps from Reading said: “What’s there to be excited about? Racking up massive credit card debts and enduring the company of your in-laws? Yippee.

“Once you’re old enough to vote, the wonder of Christmas quickly disappears. You start to see it for what it really is: a commercial bastardisation of a religious festival and an annual reminder of how badly your life is going. The only good bit is the food.”

Ryan Whittaker from Sheffield said: “I thought there was something wrong with me the first year I didn’t feel that fuzzy festive sensation. Then I realised I was an adult with a broader understanding of how f**ked up the world is and I started to feel better.

“Of course I’m not feeling Christmassy. I don’t believe in Santa anymore and I know that exchanging gifts won’t solve things like climate change or the Gaza war. It’d take at least four lines of coke to fill me with something approximating Christmas cheer.

“When you’re an adult the only things you feel are tired, confused or horny. Sometimes all three at once, depending on how much you had to drink the night before.”