Next year to be mostly spent staring into distance thinking about sex

THE majority of next year will be spent vacantly staring at nothing and daydreaming about shagging, scientists have confirmed.

With the pandemic rumbling on and cost of living set to increase in 2022, all other activities that might usually be fantasised about, such as tropical holidays or buying a new house, will be abandoned in favour of hot sex.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While most of our aspirational imaginings seem ever further away and not worth bothering with, there are always opportunities for thinking about intercourse.

“Even if 2022 is so dire that you end up living in your neighbour’s bin shed, you can have some wild escapist fantasies about banging the refuse collectors or the woman who lays the rat traps.

“The trick is not to get so divorced from reality that you forget that you are in a meeting or performing open heart surgery, or whatever it is you’re meant to be doing.

“Most people are good at hiding it, but getting so into a fantasy that you shout ‘Oh, yes, harder, you stud!’ when asked a question about the marketing budget could lead to embarrassment or, indeed, dismissal.”

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F**king idiot has big hopes for 2022

A COMPLETE and total dickhead actually has big hopes for the coming year. 

Nathan Muir of Lincoln is idiot enough to begin a new year believing that the pandemic will lift, life will return to normal, he will enjoy financial and sexual success and will go abroad on holiday.

He said: “Whew, 2021, eh? Glad that’s behind us. Though I remember saying much the same last year.

“And in 2019 when Boris had just won actually, which has turned out even worse than I ever could have feared, and 2018 wasn’t great for me and in 2017 I lost my job and got dumped and we all remember 2016.

“Still, that’s in the past. Things are going to be different this year. All this scare talk about massive gas bills and hyperinflation is just chatter. I’m triple-boosted and life is going to be sweet.

“I’ve booked a fortnight in Crete, I’m house-hunting, I’m flirting it up on Tinder. This Omicron thing’s a blip. We’ll be living like we used to in happier times and I cannot wait.”

Brother Mark Muir said: “I guess I do have one thing to look forward to in 2022. I’ll be able to see Nathan’s naive knobhead dreams crash and burn.”