Nonconformist couple living off home-grown veg and parent-grown inheritance

A COUPLE are totally independent thanks to food they grow themselves and money they inherited from their families.

Nathan Muir and Francesca Johnson have created an enormous vegetable patch in the back garden of the four-bedroom house they own outright and are now completely self-sufficient, apart from non-vegetable stuff.

Johnson explained: “Everything we use, we grow and make ourselves. Except, you know, things like clothes and toiletries and bread and power and drugs and nights out.

“We let our families cover those costs, which makes them feel happy and part of the eco-revolution. 

“We feel so grounded and connected to the earth. It’s a far purer, more real way of living than other people we know, who’ve all chosen to have jobs for some inexplicable reason.”

Muir praised the couple’s bravery for quitting ‘the rat race’, which he feels he knows intimately after interning at a PR company for two months after university before f*cking off round Europe in a camper van.

He said: “We’ll actually be turning a profit soon. Not from the vegetables, obviously, but from the wellness retreat we’re setting up in India for dreadful people like us.”

Five ways to get through alcohol-free evenings

HAVE you started having alcohol-free nights for the sake of your health and waistline? Here’s how to make it through these grim evenings from Hell. 

Practise being bored

Build up to an alcohol-free evening with regular boring activities such as playing tiddlywinks or pontoon, or a film that is superficially exciting but actually grindingly dull, like most of the Fast & Furious series.

Consider dumping your partner

You might discover you only get on with your partner because you’re both p*ssed every night. If you suspect this is the case, try to have someone new in place before your no-booze evening. Who knows, your kids may even grow to love ‘Sober Less-Emotional Mummy’?

Drink enough in the afternoon to see you through the evening

Alcohol leaves your system quickly when you don’t want it to, so you’ll need to start caning it at about 3pm. Drinking a bottle of vodka at your desk used to be frowned upon, but modern bosses are more understanding because they’ve probably been through a dry night too.

Knock yourself unconscious 

If the tedium of not drinking is too much, simply knock yourself out cleanly with a punch to the face or a blow to the head with a piece of wood. This always works in films, and in the morning you’ll be right as rain after shaking your head confusedly a few times. 

Find something incredibly exciting to do

Get a tech-savvy friend to build a large, complex bomb and handcuff you and your partner to it. Deciding which wire to cut will be incredibly exciting and a lovely bonding experience. Just don’t be tempted to race to Sainsbury’s at 10.50pm for a celebratory few bottles of Merlot.