HARDY Northern folk aren’t scared of a few feet of cold water and collapsing bridges. Here Northerner Roy Hobbs explains how to carry on as normal.
Count yourself lucky
Northerners – particularly grans – are extremely good at making irrelevant comparisons to worse situations. So even though your home is a waterlogged wreck, reflect on the fact that at least you’re not in a wheelchair, or prison, or both.
Remember you don’t feel the cold
If you’re up to your chest in cold water, don’t fret because Northerners are genetically impervious to low temperatures. If you’re starting to go numb from hypothermia, you are not a true Northerner, so bugger off somewhere posh, Southern and la-di-da, like Wolverhampton.
Under no circumstances change your daily routine
Show some Northern pride and make no concessions to the floods. Take your dog for a walk to the newsagent’s as usual, even it means wading through four feet of water towing the terrified hound behind you in a washing-up bowl.
Have a Northern flood survival kit ready
This should contain: Eccles cakes; 120,000 tea bags (not Earl Grey); a shit, parochial local newspaper for reading matter; some nice lamb chops for tea; and a car battery to power the telly so you won’t miss Corrie, even if you’re stuck on the roof of your house.
Rely on the famous Northern sense of community
In an emergency, Northerners will immediately visit their neighbours with hot meals, flasks of tea and bottles of ale, although this may just be an excuse to sneer at the cleanliness of their net curtains.
Stop being so bloody soft
So you’re trapped in rising flood waters with a rapidly decreasing chance of survival? Get the kettle on, you big daft apeth.