Not going to university, and other things people are weirdly proud of

NEVER achieved much? Imagine you’re special and boost your self-esteem by taking a weird amount of pride in these non-achievements.

Not going to university

Being successful without going through academia is impressive, but constantly banging on about it screams ‘massive chip on shoulder’. Hearing about how much you ‘hustled’ in your youth is almost as annoying as people who won’t shut up about Oxbridge 20 years later.

Their car

Obsessive car owners know more about their motor than their loved ones. They might even have given their car a horribly twee nickname like Prudence the Punto. Male car lovers like to imagine they’re driving around in a sleek beast of Ferrari, not a mid-price, generic salesman’s car identical to all the others headed for the NEC on the motorway. 

Social media stats

Made a joke that got a couple of likes on social media? Congratulations. Now avoid the temptation to reshare it every 10 minutes in the desperate hope that it will get more traction. And don’t tag celebrities to get boosted, it looks desperate. Neither will push your follower count into double digits anyway.

Dietary preferences

If you’re sickeningly smug about only eating flaxseed bread then you deserve all the mockery you get. Especially if you look down on knuckle-dragging white bread eaters, saying ‘Don’t you know that gives you heart disease?’ Sorry, Mr Bread Fascist, Boots’ sandwich cabinet didn’t have any organic sourdough flown in fresh from Verona.

Not having a TV

You know someone doesn’t have a television because they drop it into conversation every other sentence. They’re strangely up-to-date with Succession and Ted Lasso though because they watch it on a laptop while snuggled up in their sense of moral superiority. Not like some dolt glued to the ‘idiot box’.

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Steak and ale pie, and five other aphrodisiacs for gammons

STRAWBERRIES and oysters are for poncey, continental types. Here gammon romance expert Roy Hobbs explains what gets a puce-faced Brexiter’s blood pumping even more.

Warm beer

There’s nothing more romantic than five hours in a stuffy pub full of grizzled regulars, gazing into each other’s eyes over a pint of Old Peculiar. Love will be in the air by chucking-out time, unless I’ve got ‘brewer’s droop’, or pass out like I’ve been shot with a tranquiliser dart due to heavy brews called things like Bishop’s Stinky Finger.

Steak and ale pie

What could be raunchier than British pub food? The combination of gravy-soaked pastry, large chunks of beef and boiled ale should be enough to send any red-blooded male into a frenzy. After one of these bad boys, my wife June knows I’ll soon be taking her to the bedroom, where – after a quick nap – we’ll commence intercourse.

The St George Cross

As a proud Englishman, nothing stirs the blood quite like seeing this great kingdom’s flag fluttering in the breeze. No matter what the loony left might say, this country’s history should be celebrated. 1066! Dead Frenchmen! Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery! Such jingoistic thoughts soon have me flying at half-mast, at the very least. 

The Daily Mail sidebar

Ever since the PC brigade banned Page 3 from The Sun, I’ve had to get my pornography online. Apart, that is, from The Daily Mail. Nothing makes me want to reach into my sock drawer for a Viagra more than some long-lens photographs of a minor celebrity sun-bathing, followed by a post-coital Piers Morgan column.

A full English

Packing in at least 1,000 calories of various fried pork products first thing in the morning is the best way to kickstart the day. And once I’ve taken my heart medication, June knows I’ll have the stamina for some passionate lovemaking without expiring. 

Thinking about the war

Some would say a six-year nightmare, I’d say a monument to good old British spunk. Imagining those heroic Brits in the 40s gets me quite turned on. Not that today’s youth would understand – they’re all probably permanently weak and impotent thanks to their millennial vegan diets.