Sweet Caroline, and other shit songs inexplicably loved by British people

HAVE you ever been to a wedding where the dance floor wasn’t full the second ‘Come on Eileen’ came on? Here are some other ear-destroyers Brits adore.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

Why has a song about John F. Kennedy’s daughter become an English football anthem? Nobody really knows, but maybe it’s because it was already such a dirge that 60,000 pissed fans singing it en masse can’t make it much worse.

Wonderwall by Oasis

Even its creators have admitted they don’t like it that much and yet ‘Wonderwall’ remains stubbornly popular among Brits after 25 long years of getting shitfaced and wailing it outside pubs. Also a favourite of irritating buskers who only know three chords.

Come On Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners

A bunch of oddballs prancing around in denim overalls singing bullshit like ‘Too-rye-ay’ seems like something no-nonsense Brits wouldn’t have time for, but your own granny would elbow you in the face to get on the dance floor before you when it comes on. An endless mystery.

Agadoo by Black Lace

The fact that Black Lace even exist should be embarrassing enough, yet British people actively enjoy their music and almost 40 years later still perform the actions to this toe-curlingly awful song without irony. Probably because they have no imagination and enjoy being told what to do.

Mr Brightside by The Killers

British people have more enthusiasm for ‘Mr Brightside’ than they do for voting in sociopathic Etonians to run the country, which is saying something. It’s a great song to tunelessly bellow while drunk, which is essentially all Brits want out of a piece of music. See also: ‘Hey Jude’, ‘Tubthumping’ and anything by the Kaiser Chiefs.

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If it's bad it's your problem, explains government

THE government has explained that anything good which happens in Britain is all Boris Johnson but anything bad is your fault and your problem. 

It gave the example of a rise in Covid deaths being the fault of people not coming forward for booster jabs they are not yet eligible for, while decreases in Covid are down to Johnson’s incredible vaccine programme. 

Heath secretary Sajid Javid said: “It’s perfectly simple. The truck driver shortage is bad, therefore it’s not our fault. Did I remind you it’s going on all over Europe for the billionth time?

“However, truck driver pay going up as a direct result of said shortage is good, so that’s all thanks to Boris. He’s been passionate about lorry drivers’ pay all his life, and you owe it all to him. 

“Historically low housing stock? Bloody builders need a kick up the arse. Rocketing house prices as a direct consequence? The Tories diligently looking after Middle England yet again. 

“If you die of Covid this winter, you’ve let us and your country down. If you live, you owe it all to our incredible leader and are morally obligated to vote for him. Got it?” 

Wayne Hayes of Weybridge said: “I understood it straight away. It’s exactly like the relationship I have with my wife.”