Not holding your friends' baby and other coronavirus get-outs

AS Britain attempts to get back to normal, thankfully there are still things COVID-19 can get you out of. Here’s how to wring the last benefits out of the crisis.

Not visiting elderly relatives

A great bit of self-interest dressed up as concern. You’ll avoid their old person food – stodgy fruit cake or fondant fancies that make your teeth itch – and not have to repeat everything you say four times. You won’t get the £2 coin they give you as you leave, but you’re 32 for f**k’s sake and should have stopped accepting it years ago.

Those salsa classes you promised to do 

Your partner’s been bugging you about this since Mark Ramprakash won Strictly, and because you’re fat. But the mix of close personal contact and rhythmic gyrating is a petri dish for coronavirus. If your wife wants to start an affair with the salsa instructor, she’ll have to do it without you. 

Picking something up for dinner on your way home 

We’ve all had the text asking us to pick something up on the way home from work. But it’s not exactly a heroic death if you touched an infected courgette then picked your nose. Note: an exception can be made if the text isn’t about food, but saying your other half could murder a cold glass of Pinot, which means ‘Buy three bottles’.

Holding your friends’ baby 

Of course you can’t risk holding the baby! And with good reason – it’s as interesting as cradling a giant potato that could explode into ear-splitting screams like you’ve done something wrong. Plus there’s a very real chance they’ll gob up milk on the £80 jeans you can only afford because you were smart enough not to have kids.

Awkward small talk 

Pre-COVID, you couldn’t avoid small talk from kindly shopkeepers, friendly posties and affable bus drivers. It was enough to make you puke. But a face mask sends out the helpful message ‘DO YOU WANT US BOTH TO DIE?’. You may never have to have a mindless conversation about the weather – which is just outside anyway – again.

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England considering selling Scotland to balance the books

ENGLAND is considering selling off its most valuable possession to help pay for the impending economic crisis, it has emerged.

With the UK hurtling toward a severe recession, Rishi Sunak announced he is thinking of covering the cost of his party’s terrible economic policies by putting Scotland on Gumtree.

The chancellor said: “This will come as a shock to the people of Scotland, who have always lived in complete harmony with England, but we need to raise some cash.” 

As he drafted the Gumtree ad, Sunak continued: “Potential buyers should be aware that the country has only had one previous owner, however there are some signs of wear and tear in Glasgow and Trident won’t be included.

“I’m prepared to chuck in Wales and Northern Ireland if that sweetens the deal. If you’re interested drop me a line on Twitter and we can arrange a convenient time for you to pop round and pick up the lot.

“With a bit of luck I reckon we could raise upwards of two, maybe even three thousand pounds.”

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said: “The chancellor’s outrageous proposal shows a complete lack of understanding of Scotland and its proud history. But if it saves me the ball-ache of a second referendum I’ll be round in my car on Saturday.”