The right-wing maniac's guide to backing the government no matter what

ARE you a Tory voter who can’t accept any criticism of the government no matter how poorly they perform? Here’s how to share your denialism.

Coronavirus isn’t so bad

People dying was terrible. However now it’s clear that the government is responsible, change your tune to “We need to reopen the economy for the sake of young people”. Those young people you were calling ‘pants-wetting snowflakes’ a week ago.

Be a pest on the internet 

Put in so many hours posting on the internet that people justifiably think you’re a paid social media wonk at Conservative Campaign Headquarters. Which would be a lot more normal than tapping out ‘Gordon Broon sold all the gold!!!’ five times a day in 2020, for free.

Lap up any patronising bullshit

A normal person is insulted by crap like ‘Stay alert’ or The Adventures of Dominic Cummings. Not you – this is good advice and Mr Cummings has invented an excellent new eye test that will no doubt soon be adopted by the NHS and Specsavers. 

Keep your eyes on the prize

Even if you’ve begun to question the drivel you spout, remember it’s all in service of the greatest thing ever to happen to Britain: Brexit. Or to put it more truthfully: getting foreigners to f**k off.

Don’t worry about being consistently wrong

BMW was going get a favourable Brexit deal for the UK. They haven’t, and they’ve said they won’t. But don’t let that stop you insisting it’s going to happen. If you applied this level of being wrong to everyday life, you’d eat raw chicken every week and think it was just bad luck you were in hospital again.

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Seemingly perfect boyfriend watches Question of Sport

A BOYFRIEND who appeared to be perfect in every way enjoys watching A Question of Sport, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis thought her handsome, kind and funny partner Joe Turner was too good to be true, and her suspicions were confirmed when he switched over to watch the light-hearted quiz show hosted by Sue Barker.

Hollis said: “At first I thought it was some kind of joke. Then I asked if it was a repeat because they can’t still be making this incredibly boring and annoyingly matey programme, surely?

“Joe informed me it was the world’s longest-running TV sports quiz, as if that meant anything. Then he politely asked me to be quiet so he could listen to the exhausting banter exchanged by team captains Matt Dawson and Phil Tufnell.

“I tried to get into it. Good relationships are all about compromise and discovery after all. But by the time it got to the Mystery Guest Round my love for him had completely gone.

“As he sat watching the closing credits I hastily packed some stuff and snuck out the back door. I didn’t have time to leave a note, but I hope one day he’ll understand.”