Old photos of you f**king hilarious

PHOTOS of you from the past make everyone laugh because you look like a total idiot, it has been confirmed.

Pictures of your younger self are inherently hilarious because you are sporting terrible haircuts and disastrous fashion choices which you clearly thought were a good idea at the time.

Your friend Nikki Hollis said: “As an almost middle-aged adult you’re pretty normal and boring looking. So imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered your various phases which have been caught on camera forever for generations to laugh at.

“Drainpipe jeans with your arse hanging out? Fringes which have clearly been cut with the help of a ruler? What, if you don’t mind me asking politely, the f**k did you think you were doing?”

Co-worker Tom Booker said: “At first I thought the old photos of you doing the rounds were a bit funny because I assumed your parents had dressed you like that. But when I was told you did that to yourself on purpose I started crying with laughter.

“I’ll never be able to look at you in the same way again. In fact I’ve lost respect for you altogether. My brain has erased everything it knew about you and replaced it with the nickname ‘twat who used to have a soul patch beard’.”

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That chick from Ex Machina, and other robots you would totally bang

EVERYONE has standards, but don’t pretend you’re above shagging a robot. Here are five you totally would:

That chick from Ex Machina

Yes, you can see her inner workings flashing away. And true, she’s a psychopathic gynoid who will leave you trapped in a mountain retreat or murder you given half the chance, but that only adds to her sex appeal. With the face of Swedish actor Alicia Vikander, she could punch you in the balls with her robot fist and you’d still be aroused.

Data from Star Trek

The Enterprise’s intelligent but naive android might not scream hook-up material on the face of it, but imagine if he were programmed to give you the night of your life. He’d dutifully piston away until the job was done and it’s not like he’d fall asleep right after either. If he’s good enough for the Borg Queen in First Contact then he’s good enough for you.

Number Six from Battlestar Galactica

Come on. This one’s obvious, look at her. She may be an advanced Cylon who would probably use you as part of her war against humanity, but you can probably get a few shags out of the situation along the way. Block out her manipulative personality by focusing on the fact you’re humping something that looks like Tricia Helfer.

The Iron Giant

This mysterious robot from outer space is the ultimate tall, dark handsome stranger. Just imagine being cradled in his big strong arms as he shrugs off a rocket attack and whisks you away to his secret hideout. The physical practicalities of banging a 50-foot tall robot need careful consideration, but it would be worth it.

Robby the Robot

Bound to be vanilla in the bedroom department, but he’s a dependable pair of metal claws who will probably get you there more often than not. Robby’s the sort of robot you could take home to meet the parents, and at least he’s not standoffish like Maria from Metropolis or irritating as f**k like Number 5 from Short Circuit.