On a date, on a train, at the in-laws: High-pressure places to take a dump

DOING a ‘number two’ is an unavoidable bodily function. But sadly not all toilet trips can be relaxing moments of deep thought. Here are five particularly stressful shitting scenarios.

On a date

Spend more than five minutes away from the restaurant table and your date will guess your vile act. Try a ‘speed shit’ – do your business, flush and get the hell out of Dodge. Don’t look back, don’t wash your hands. Then realise your date is a dud who talks with their mouth full and has weird right-wing views. You may as well have brought a book and finished a chapter of Iain M Banks on the bog.

On a train

Train poos comes with two major risks. One: being identified as the culprit. If you’ve just done a stinky one, you need to skulk back to your seat quickly. Maybe throw people off the scent – as it were – by going to the buffet and spending £8 on an instant coffee and a Kit Kat. Risk two: you can’t work out how to lock the electric door, so every toilet trip comes with the risk of being slowly ‘unveiled’ by another traveller while you’re hunched over the bog.

Anywhere outside

You could be deep in the North American wilderness, surviving off berries and raccoon meat, but the moment you drop your slacks 15 ramblers from the Women’s Institute will immediately appear. Even if you avoid humans, nature will still ruin an outdoor shit. Which leaves are safe to wipe your arse on without three days of itching? And knowing your luck, one of the nation’s ten remaining adders is planning to slither up and bite you on the ringpiece.

At the in-laws

It doesn’t matter whether you’re newly dating their offspring or have been married a decade, taking a shit at the in-laws is PTSD territory. There’s nothing to match the horror of meeting Mr or Mrs Whatever as they potter about upstairs and you emerge from a noisy dump. They’ll be talking about your ‘loose bowels’ to their extended family for years to come. And would it f**king kill them to buy some air freshener? Cheapskates.

At the office

Most workers subscribe to the ‘hold it in until you’re home’ ethos. But that’s not always possible, particularly if your miserable job drove you to have eight pints on a Tuesday night. All you can do is take precautions. Go to the bogs on a different floor, open a window, stuff the lavatory with loo roll to create a cushion and for goodness’ sake, hold your feet up. You don’t want your workmates to be able to ID you from your shoes as the Secret Shitter of the 5th Floor.

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Five weird faces you only make on camera

MOST of the time your face looks relatively normal, if unattractive. So why does it make these weird expressions in front of a camera?

Half blink

You were so close to having your picture taken successfully. You looked at the camera, smiled naturally, then your eyes went and f**ked it up by blinking. A full blink is bad enough, but a half-blink makes it look like you’re naturally ugly or concussed. At least it’s only been recorded forever for future generations to laugh at.

Awkward smile

Smiling should be easy, you do it all the time whenever a colleague gets reprimanded. When a camera is pointed at you, though, your mouth forgets its lifetime of smiling experience and stretches into a horrifying, contorted shape exposing your teeth. You call it a smile, actually you look like Ed Miliband having an orgasm.

Duck face

Pouting your lips into a duck’s bill looks ridiculous. You know this, and you scorn other morons who do it in photos. However you’re quick to U-turn on your morals after a couple of tequilas. Once they’re swimming through your system you’re convinced that pursing your lips and pushing them out looks sexy, even though you’re going home alone again.

Triple chin

Everyone thinks they look more attractive than they actually are. It’s an evolutionary self-defence mechanism to make cavemen confident enough to chat up cavewomen. That’s why it always comes as a crushing blow when you’re presented with photographic evidence of your flabby jawline that’s concertinaed into three chins. Surely your poor diet should be keeping your face lean and attractive?

Vacant death stare

Photos are often taken at happy times during your life, like standing in front of famous landmarks, or at least pretending to be happy as you wearily set up a dating profile. So how come you’re glaring down the lens like you’re getting your mugshot taken? You’re not a Native American from 200 years ago, hopefully, so the camera isn’t going to steal your soul.