Our spare bedrooms get so dusty, and five other middle-class problems

ARE you a wealthy middle-class person sick of getting grief from people with so-called ‘real’ problems? Prove that your life has as much hardship as anyone’s:

The boat takes up too much room in the garden

It might’ve seemed like a fun idea to purchase a powerboat, but that fibreglass leviathan has damn near blocked off your side-gate. Ludicrous feats of manoeuvring are now required to park both Range Rovers on the drive.

The racket from the music room

Of course you don’t mind paying for the children’s oboe lessons, but do they have to practice so loudly? We all love listening to Beethoven’s 5th but you should be able to read the Financial Times in peace.

A lawn that just won’t quit

Your insistence on owning a home with a garden ‘big enough for the kids to run around’ has come back to bite you. Who’d have thought that maintaining close to an acre of lawn at garden show standard would require so much labour?

Inaccessible holiday home

Your accountant warned you that buying that villa in Tuscany was a fool’s errand. You hate to admit it but, what with the three hour drive to the nearest airport and the exorbitant upkeep, he might have had a point, however charming the view is.

Discomfort when interacting with your cleaner

It’s so lovely to have a woman ‘who comes round to help with the cleaning’. You never refer to her as a ‘cleaner’ as you consider that demeaning. Far less humiliating to go through an awkward pantomime of acting like she’s a helpful friend instead of paid staff.

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Man puts spoon in unfinished bottle of Cava like true sommelier

A man has put an upside-down spoon in a bottle of Cava because he ‘knows about wine’.

Nathan Muir took a teaspoon out of the kitchen drawer with a flourish and inserted it in the unfinished bottle of Cava, before putting it in the fridge door next to the cat’s worming medicine.

Muir said: “According to my mate Wayne, the teaspoon helps keep the bubbles, which in turn keeps the ‘bouquet’ fresh. This means I will almost be able to taste the Cava over my Chilli Heatwave Doritos tomorrow night.

“I’m actually becoming a bit of a wine expert. In a restaurant I choose the one up from the cheapest to show I’ve got refined tastes.

“And in a shop I generally select one with a nice picture on the label or a hilarious name like ‘Cock’s Bottom’.”

Muir’s girlfriend Nikki added: “We enjoy bubbles but after one glass we need to move onto something that can get us drunk without needing to fart every five minutes, just in case we’re still awake later to have sex.”