Man who's given up weed needs entirely new music collection

A MAN who has quit smoking weed realises that he can no longer listen to any of the bands he previously enjoyed, from Genesis to Snoop Dogg.

Tom Logan recently gave up marijuana after two decades of spliffs, and is unable to find a CD in his collection whose stoned meanderings do not annoy him.

Logan said: “I’m not an idiot. I knew Cypress Hill would immediately lose their appeal.

“But it turns out that Mogwai, Ride, Sasha DJ mixes, Kanye West and Café Del Mar compilations, diverse as they may seem, all have one thing in common: you need to be out of your box to enjoy them.

“Does cannabis exist because people need it to enjoy Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry, or does Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry exist so stoned people have something to listen to? F**ked if I know.

“I’m getting bang into Dire Straits instead. Now that’s music you can enjoy with no more intoxicants than a big car and a quiet stretch of the M1.”

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'Shut up about the baby, I'm getting pissed' says new mum on night out

A NEW mum who is out on the piss for the first time since giving birth keeps being distracted by questions about her sodding baby.

Eleanor Shaw is appalled her mates can’t appreciate that the sole focus of her evening is trying to make up for months of lost drinking time.

Shaw said: “I don’t want to spend my few hours of freedom swiping through pictures of my daughter’s toothless face and talking about the birth. What the hell do they think I’m drinking to forget?

“I wish they’d just let me focus on getting the Grolsch down me and stop asking shit like how well the baby sleeps. Badly, alright? They all sleep badly.

“This is exactly the kind of parenting bollocks I don’t want to be conscious enough to think about. I just want to get absolutely shitfaced for the first time in seven months.

“Also, I could get a call from my incompetent husband any minute and I don’t want to be alert enough to respond.”

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