WORRIED about traveling with Covid-19 still knocking around? Follow puce-faced bellend Norman Steele’s tips to make flying a nightmare for all:
Arrive early
Not to make sure check-in goes smoothly for you and everyone else, of course, but so you can get in a decent 20-minute argument with security over whether their metal detector’s on the blink when you know for a fact it’s being set off by your titanium hip.
Bag a whole row of seats
Make sure any snowflake sissy intending to sit beside you runs screaming by brandishing the Daily Mail that you picked up in duty-free alongside your bottle of flying scotch. Even the most hardy of flyers will ask to be moved when you start sharing your ‘no-nonsense’ views after a few swigs.
Refuse to wear a face mask
If anyone around you is uncomfortable with your exposed wheezing mouth then they should move. You won’t be forced to wear any mask you don’t want to, including that weird one that drops down if the plane suddenly depressurises.
Complain about the service
Only shell out for a budget airline and spend the entire flight loudly complaining about how terrible the experience is compared to British Airways, for example: ‘This is shit, I heard on Facebook that the cabin crew wash your hands for you on good old BA.’
Make using the toilet a battle
Spend the entire flight waiting for the one moment the ‘seatbelts on’ sign flashes up to heave your scotch-filled, wobbling body out of your seat. Turbulence or not, it’s your right to piss all over the toilet cubicle if you want to. When an air steward tries to reason with you, yell at them incoherently about not kowtowing to the rules of their EU overlords.
