Paganism much better than capitalism, confirm people frolicking while you're at work

BEING a Pagan who frolicks naked in the woods is much better than being a capitalist pig, experts have confirmed.

With capitalism focused on the pursuit of money and socialism at the expense of everything else, Pagan leaders are highlighting how much fun the ancient religion is in comparison.

Pagan Nikki Hollis said: “You can go to a job that you hate just to line the pockets of some fat cat fucker who sees you as nothing more than meat, but why not just get naked, have a bit of a dance and worship the sun?

“Obviously, it’s turned a bit cold at the minute so a jumper will be allowed and we’ll probably just end up worshipping the wind and rain, but then we can all go and have a bloody great orgy afterwards.”

She added: “Can you do that while worshipping capitalism in Subway, Greggs or Matalan?

“I might have to double check on Greggs, but you definitely can’t in the others.”

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Maths impossible

MATHS is far too hard, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found the reason almost 50% of the UK cannot do basic arithmetic is because maths is impossible to learn.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s easy to point the finger at individuals or the education system, but the real problem is with maths itself. It’s like a foreign language or something. Seriously, have you tried it lately?

“Have a go at some multiplication. I guarantee you will give up.”

He added: “The most straightforward ‘solution’ – if I may use a maths-y word –  is to ban maths altogether, then no-one would have to feel bad.”

Nikki Hollis, a sales manager from Stevenage, said: “I think if we stopped maths it may have some negative effects but the plus points would outweigh them.

“I have no idea what any of that means.”