Parent hopes crying child isn't injured enough for them to have to get up

A TIRED mum is silently hoping her yelling son is not hurt badly enough for her to have to move from the sofa.

Helen Archer has muted the telly and is listening carefully, praying that the impact she heard from the room above was just harmless horseplay and will not lead to an eight-hour wait in A&E.

Archer said: “It sounded like a dull crash, the sort of noise you’d get from falling off the top of a bunk bed or pulling a shelf of books off the wall.

“Is he shouting with pain, shock or just because he’s scared I’m going to go upstairs and catch him at whatever mischief he’s getting up to and is preemptively trying to quash my anger? I’m banking on the latter.

“This is the first time for five days I’ve had a moment to sit down and catch up with Eastenders, so as long as he isn’t stumbling in here with a smashed nose and bleeding all over my new Next rug, I’m going to ignore him and hope for the best.

“I’ll go up if he’s still crying in ten minutes. Or when Eastenders has finished. Whichever is first.”

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I'm having a petrol barbecue, and it's nothing to do with donations from climate skeptics

By attorney general Suella Braverman

THERE’S nothing like a juicy steak cooked on a proper petrol-fired barbecue, because petroleum is a completely natural miracle fuel we should extract more of.

Yes, I recently received a £10,000 campaign donation from a climate change skeptic, but it doesn’t affect my views on the environment. I’ve always loved coal and oil, and I firmly believe endangered species are a scam by Greenpeace to make you buy Arctic fox cuddly toys.

A petrol barbecue gives your food a unique tang, like sucking on a piece of burnt metal in a really bad traffic jam. And you don’t have the faff of bags of charcoal and firelighters – petrol goes up in an instant and you can start infusing your food with delicious acrid fumes right away.

Most importantly, it’s good for the planet. Without petrol, gas and oil, society will stop advancing. Do you want to live in a filthy hut with no electricity, toilet or internet access, or do you support unregulated fracking? Those are literally the only two choices.

So why do environmentalists say we should reduce our fossil fuel use? Simple – they’re all dreadlocked middle class wasters who’ve shrunk their brains to the size of a peanut with their ganja addictions. It’s that simple, I wouldn’t bother finding out more.

As for global warming, how can that be a thing when snow exists? As my parliamentary private secretary often says: ‘I can’t believe you’ve got a degree, Suella.’ He understands the challenges facing minorities and strong women like me.

Cynics have suggested that all my views are a transparent attempt to hop on any anti-woke bandwagon. But as well as having your car confiscated, do you really want every boy in Britain to have their penis amputated on the orders of the transgender police?

So this weekend celebrate your personal freedom with a petrol barbecue like me. Just make sure it’s a good distance away from your car, house, children, pets or anything not asbestos.