Parent stuck in trance after reading The Gruffalo 300 times

A FATHER who has read The Gruffalo every night for almost a year is now trapped in a trance with a thousand-yard stare.

As Tom Logan began his regular nighttime reading routine, son Jack became alarmed by his father’s glazed expression and complete mental unravelling.

Logan’s wife Sarah said: “By the time I got to Tom he was mumbling ‘scrambled snake’ over and over, almost as if the book had actually scrambled his brain.

“Jack won’t sleep without hearing the book but I had to stop reading it to him because I was getting stress eczema from repetitive reading strain.

“I called 999 but they’re busy with coronavirus. I’m really hoping Tom comes out of the trance safely because it’s my turn for a lie-in tomorrow.”  

“We were supposed to go to Chessington World of Adventures for the Gruffalo River Ride, but I guess that’s off now he’s trapped inside his own mind. Although, thank Christ, in a way.”

Son Jack said: “We tried audio books but it’s not the same. You don’t get that tortured expression you get from a real parent.”

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Idiots 'will be eating pasta every night until 2025'

PANIC-STRICKEN imbeciles who emptied supermarket shelves of dried pasta will be eating nothing but the stuff for the next few years. 

Coronavirus headlines caused idiots to get in their cars, head to Tesco and buy as many packets of macaroni, farfalle, tagliatelle and fusilli as they could fit in their boot.

Martin Bishop, who headbutted a 68-year-old woman in Sainsbury’s to secure the last packet of angel hair pasta said: “The moment I heard about this virus, my first thought was pasta. Pasta. Pasta. Toilet roll. And pasta.

“I wasn’t doing it for me, I was doing it for my children. Okay, I don’t have any children yet but I could still breed and to do that I need to eat. For some reason it has to be pasta.”

Emma Bradford said: “Yes, I brandished a ceremonial sword to fend off other customers at Lidl for a pack of spaghetti.

“Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I realise an entire garage full of pasta might be a bit much, especially as I didn’t think to hoard any bolognese sauce, pesto or cheese.

“It’s going to be a sh*t five years shifting that lot. I suppose I could try using it to wipe my a*se.”