The next six counterproductive steps Trump will take to fight the coronavirus

PRESIDENT Trump has already advised Americans to keep going to work and banned Europeans who don’t speak English. What will he get wrong next? 

Announcing shortages on live TV

Trump uses his next presidential address to announce the items that are running out and which Americans should stock up on immediately, causing riots and the burning of shops within an hour of broadcast. 

Demanding Americans shake hands to prove they’re virus-free

Trump brings in mandatory handshakes to prove Americans are coronavirus-free before they are allowed to access mass transport or food shops, proclaiming that if you’re infection-free, you’ve nothing to fear. Infection rates jump 3,500 per cent in a day. 

Pray your hands clean

Taking advice from vice president Mike Pence, Trump declares that soap cannot clean your hands as efficiently as the Lord and water shortages are imminent, so handwashing is to be replaced by prayer. Infection rates jump 40,000 per cent. 

Internment of all Latinos

Following a Facebook rumour that Covid-19 is germ warfare by Mexico, Trump orders all Latinos interned indefinitely, creating 52 million fugitives, crippling vital services and closing half of all food suppliers. 

Suspending all media except Fox News

Declaring CNN to be public enemy number one for spreading accurate information about the pandemic, Trump uses emergency powers to suspend all media apart from Fox News, which focuses on the coronavirus being a Democrat plot. Civil war begins, unreported. 

Nuking San Francisco

A clearly ill and sweating Trump claims to have incontestable information that liberals are deliberately spreading the virus from their base in San Francisco and orders a nuclear attack, bringing down the internet and poisoning 65 per cent of farmland. The president dies blaming everyone else.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Why massive Tory spending is different to massive Labour spending, by a Tory

DURING the budget you may have noticed that Tory spending is fine but Labour’s was not. Here Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why.

We won’t be giving money to people you don’t like 

Rest assured not a penny will end up in the pockets of benefits claimants, ie. 20-strong feral rat-families defrauding the DWP and spending the loot on trampolines, kebabs and fags for their toddlers.

The laws of economics are different for Tories 

When Tories spend to prevent a downturn in the economy, as John Maynard Keynes advised, it works like a dream. But if Labour does it, it causes ultra-hyper-mega inflation and we’ll all be wiping our a*ses with worthless £50 notes. It’s just one of those mysterious things no one can explain.

The press lets us do anything

As newspapers have pointed out, Tory spending is sensible and kind but Labour spending is in service of a Stalinist dictatorship where you’ll be put in a gulag for owning a car. Our noble pressmen only have Britain’s best interests at heart, so this must be true.

Tories are used to having money

Most Tory politicians are rich, and thus know to spend money on worthwhile things like a beautiful Vermeer or a duck palace. But give money to oiks like Corbyn or Keir Starmer and they’ll blow our entire GDP on ‘Maccie Ds’, training shoes and bets on dog fights.  

Coronavirus changes everything 

I love coronavirus. It’s a ready-made excuse for Brexit and allows all sorts of bullsh*t vanity projects and weird spending. Hell, we can probably chuck in National Service and hanging while we’re splashing the cash. Now I think about it, let’s have more of this splendid coronavirus, not less.