Teenage boys 'worst affected by toilet paper crisis'

PUBESCENT boys desperate for a hand-shandy are bearing the brunt of the toilet paper shortage, it has emerged.

Panic-buying of toilet tissue has struck fear into Britain’s male teenagers, who are worried they will have to use more traditional methods of cleaning up after self-abuse.

Tom Booker, 16, said: “It’ll come as a surprise to no one that guys my age work their way through an excessive amount of toilet paper.

“When the mood takes me I’ll grab handfuls of the stuff, even if a couple of sheets would do the job easily.

“But with supplies running low I might have to use socks or flannels, like my father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him. You’d think by now there’d be an app for this.

“In the unlikely event that I find a shop with toilet paper left it’ll look obvious if I buy some on its own. I’d have to camouflage it by doing a weekly shop, which at my age would look ridiculous.”

Wayne Hayes, a 15-year-old Catholic, said: “Finally my oppressive upbringing is paying off.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The alternative medicine practitioner's guide to coronavirus

DO you feel the coronavirus is better tackled with St John’s Wort than modern medicine? Here alternative health therapist Donna Sheridan gives her advice.

Take an alternative vaccine

By ‘vaccine’ I mean ‘the usual herbal remedies garbage’, such as a mixture of ginseng, sage and cider vinegar. Smear some on your wrist rather than injecting it, which will give you a blood clot and kill you instantly.

Stay safe with a crystal 

Alternative medicine scientists are far ahead of conventional ones and have invented a 100 per cent effective crystal that wards off coronavirus. These are available on my website, DonnaWiccanEarthPriestess.co.uk. They’re £44.95 to cover postage.

Blast the virus with a powerful homeopathic remedy

Find someone with coronavirus – maybe sneak into an intensive care unit – and stick a cotton wool bud up their nose. Put the infected item into a jar of water. Pour a drop of the water into a bucket of water, then put a drop of that into a bath of water. Repeat the last stage 500 times. You now have a super-powerful coronavirus killer.

Use fire cupping 

Create low air pressure in a jar by putting a flame inside and quickly slam it on someone’s back. Your clients will already believe this removes ‘bad energy’ so will not realise it is nonsense.

Consult tree fairies

Nature sprites, pagan deities and angels should be treated with reverence in case they exist. I asked my Native American spirit guide Lolloping Wolf about coronavirus, and with the classic wisdom of the spirit realm he said: “Buy lots of paracetamol.”