Saturday, 4th April 2020

Teenage boys 'worst affected by toilet paper crisis'

PUBESCENT boys desperate for a hand-shandy are bearing the brunt of the toilet paper shortage, it has emerged.

Panic-buying of toilet tissue has struck fear into Britain’s male teenagers, who are worried they will have to use more traditional methods of cleaning up after self-abuse.

Tom Booker, 16, said: “It’ll come as a surprise to no one that guys my age work their way through an excessive amount of toilet paper.

“When the mood takes me I’ll grab handfuls of the stuff, even if a couple of sheets would do the job easily.

“But with supplies running low I might have to use socks or flannels, like my father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him. You’d think by now there’d be an app for this.

“In the unlikely event that I find a shop with toilet paper left it’ll look obvious if I buy some on its own. I’d have to camouflage it by doing a weekly shop, which at my age would look ridiculous.”

Wayne Hayes, a 15-year-old Catholic, said: “Finally my oppressive upbringing is paying off.”