Parents 'genuinely believed' violin would be less annoying than recorder

THE parents of a musically ungifted child have discovered that a violin can sound just as bad as a recorder.

Emma and Iain Bradford had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Autumn Days and Itsy Bitsy Spider, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a more sophisticated sound. 

Emma said: “It turns out a violin creates just as many deafening decibels, but has extra potential to be really out-of-tune and scrapy. When Jane plays, it’s like Satan is penetrating our ears with a dildo.

“I used to love The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. Now I can’t listen to it without imagining the horror all those violinists’ parents suffered. If I hear my child screech out Three Blind Mice once more I swear I’ll cut off my own ears, or her hands.”

Violin ‘crisis points’ were recently reached when Jane took to practising on the staircase “so everyone could hear”, and when she asked to join the school orchestra. 

It is understood the violin will somehow end up on a bonfire.

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Never, ever say 'jog on' again, Corbyn told

JEREMY Corbyn has been told never to use the phrase ‘jog on’ again.

The Labour leader sent a shudder through even his most ardent supporters when he said that Boris Johnson should “jog on with his daft ideas”.

Labour member Tom Logan said: “I stand shoulder to shoulder with Jeremy in his desire to preserve the NHS but ‘jog on’ is worse than ‘end of’. Or ‘Muppet.’

“If he’s going to start trying to impress the kids with hackneyed, 10th-hand, sub-David Brent jargon then I’m voting for Jo Swinson. And I’m an actual Marxist.”

Lifelong socialist Nikki Hollis said: “Christ, this ‘jog on’ rubbish. I’d rather we reverted to a feudal system so long as people talked properly.”