THE parents of a musically ungifted child have discovered that a violin can sound just as bad as a recorder.
Emma and Iain Bradford had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Autumn Days and Itsy Bitsy Spider, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a more sophisticated sound.
Emma said: “It turns out a violin creates just as many deafening decibels, but has extra potential to be really out-of-tune and scrapy. When Jane plays, it’s like Satan is penetrating our ears with a dildo.
“I used to love The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. Now I can’t listen to it without imagining the horror all those violinists’ parents suffered. If I hear my child screech out Three Blind Mice once more I swear I’ll cut off my own ears, or her hands.”
Violin ‘crisis points’ were recently reached when Jane took to practising on the staircase “so everyone could hear”, and when she asked to join the school orchestra.
It is understood the violin will somehow end up on a bonfire.