Parents wish they had moral authority to order teenager off phone

A TEENAGER’S parents would tell her to stop staring at her phone if doing so was not the height of hypocrisy.

Tom and Lindsey Booker are sick of daughter Ruby being glued to her iPhone at every waking moment, but are on their own phones too much to administer a justifiable bollocking.

Lindsey said: “Honestly, as soon as her alarm goes off she’s on sodding Instagram and bloody Tiktok. Which is different from me being on Twitter because I have to be for work.

“It’s like she’s not in the room. I looked up the other day after falling down a new-rug-for-the-study rabbit hole, and she’d been there for I don’t know how long. The only light in the room was coming from her phone. And mine.

“I should have a proper talk to her about screen addiction, but whenever I Google the symptoms I worry I’ve got them too then do a quick online quiz to cheer myself up. Before long an hour’s flown by so my stern lecture would only make me look like a wanker.

“What Tom and I need to do is to spend a couple of days detoxing from our phones so we’ve got the required moral standing to tell Ruby to get off hers. But that would require two days without endless scrolling content. F**k that.”

Ruby Booker said: “Are they on their phones a lot? I don’t really notice them.”

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Evil bastard loves telling you how drunk you were last night

A COMPLETE bastard enjoys nothing more than explaining what a wasted dick you were the night before.

Knobhead housemate Tom Logan gets a sick kick out of telling you exactly where and how many times you embarrassed yourself last night while you wrestle with the debilitating effects of a brutal hangover.

Logan said: “I’ll warm up by saying ‘I bet you’re feeling hanging today’ in a smug voice as you blearily stagger to the bathroom looking for some paracetamol, before reeling off the vast amount of drinks you had.

“The very thought of all those shots will make you want to do a sambuca sick down yourself, but I won’t read the room and will carry on listing them regardless. Don’t want you to forget those tequila slammers now, do we?

“As your face turns from white to green, I’ll move on to all the mortifying shit you did like dancing on the tables and making a failed pass at your mate’s sister while he was right there. I could be making all this up but you’d never know.

“To finish off I’ll give you a hearty slap on the back and offer you a beer. Watching you wince and shudder is the highlight of my week. It’s my sport.”

Friend Emma Howard said: “Once you’re recovered let’s get Tom totally shitfaced and see how he likes someone filling in the blanks. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it and find it just as f**king hilarious.”